| Home recording and general music post from the archived Yabb Recording Website Message Board. Some of the info here may be outdated but many of the audio recording and home studio tips are still good. Note: The only tags I made and attempt to convert are italics, bold, center and underline. So if you see some gibberish surrounded by brackets, just ignore it.
Recording Website Archived Yabb board Post
Febuary 2001 Yabb Message Board Archive
Subject: "...Sad Song" REWRITE - Please critique!!!
by icedreams | 05/12/01 at 00:21:59
Okay, I wrote this new chorus, any opinions are most welcome! I'm not quite sure if it fits right or what, I just wrote it, so help please!!
Thanks,
JoAnn
It's been awhile since I posted, but due to some happenings in life (as is the usual!) there will probably be a few over the next coupla weeks....
As usual, I welcome and appreciate all comments!
Thanks,
JoAnn
----------------------------------------------------
I guess it would be called "Wilting" Now
“Wilted”
would you listen for a moment-
could you hear me if you tried?
or is the silence around you deafening
--Can you see me, on the inside?
i thought that once you felt it too-
this love that did consume
Like fire that burns down a mansion full of
glittering lights
and so i'm trying hard to tell you
but i'm filled with so much fear
and the explanation goes much deeper-
where the water's not too clear
used to be some things stayed the same
while others fade away
like the imprint of two bodies rolling wild in the sand
so here i am alone again wondering what happened
i have no map to guide me, its empty where i had dreams
i blossomed too soon i guess, in a rocky soil
i was a flower of love, now i am wilting
i miss you now and then sometimes
but i'm not quite sure why
you're not the person i thought you were
but neither am i
can you see me as i really am
-or is it a trick of time
like the memory of a mother who left her child long ago
i can't see someone else yet
the wound is just too fresh
i'll need some time to tend to it-
to keep it clean and dressed
when that time comes, what will i think of you
-will you always be the recent past
like an image of yourself when you were only ten
years old
so here i am alone again wondering what happened
i have no map to guide me, its empty where i had dreams
i blossomed too soon i guess in a rocky soil
i was a flower of love, now i am wilting
this flower is wilting
Subject: Re: "Everyone's Got a Sad Song"- Please critique!!
by Ron_Boyte | 05/12/01 at 09:17:48
Hi JoAnn!
"Everyone's Got A Sad Song" nice title/fair hook
Genre?? I would be curious to know.
In reading v1, I got the sense of reading a very good poem. You began your story very well imo. I could almost hear a soft melody playing. You would probably want this due to the depth of meaning displayed here.
Your v2, though very good caused me to lose my sense of meter established by v1. Have you set this to music??
Chorus, I was hoping you would hit us with something more unique than the verses. I'm afraid the chorus doesn't do much for me. To me, the chorus should represent everything you verses have said. You spoke so eloquently in the verses. This chorus is just too generic in comparisons imo.
In reading v3 & v4 I again am confronted with the meter issue.
JoAnn, I can tell you have been writing a long time. I am going to say something here that may challenge your theory about lyric writing. If I am wrong, I want for you to tell me why, ok?
My theory is v1 sets your pattern for subsequent verses to follow. As I write verse one, I uppercase all accented words/syllables. I assign rhyme scheme to each line and count all syllables. This is my worksheet. I have now established my template with verse one for my other verses to follow. I follow my template exactly; no extra syllables, ect. I then proceed to write all my verses identical to my template. Most of the time, I will have a chorus, bridge, ect. come to me as I am doing this. I have to admit that if I have music, my process is the same. Most of the time, I do have a melody to work with but, not always. Without rambling any further, it is this simple. I have a plan to follow in my template established by v1 whether wrong or right. This cements my stress pattern throughout my verses.
Hope this helps!
Ron
Subject: Re: "Everyone's Got a Sad Song"- Please critique!!
by JoAnn | 05/12/01 at 10:09:33
Ron,
Thanks so much for your notes!
I do have a melody for it which all in all really works (I think) a lot better than it looks with just the lyrics on paper. It is a soft melody, as you figured. I don't know what genre I'd classify it as. I'd have to go with some kind of cross between folk and soft rock if I had to. Maybe an easy listening, although I hate to call it that too. What would you classify Jim Croce? ;)
I've been battling over the chorus. I wrote this fairly recently and I understand exactly what you're saying, but having a hard time firguring out what I want to say. I do want it to be more sinple, but I want it more eloquent also. I'll work on it today and post again, but I still welcome your and anyone else's remarks!
Thanks again,
JoAnn
Subject: Re: "...Sad Song" REWRITE - Please critique!!!
by SexyRexy | 05/12/01 at 19:24:14
First off, i have to say that I strongly disagree with Ron's approach to meter/verses. Yes, after writing a first verse, it can become a template, but it should NOT be a strait-jacket. MANY, MANY hit songs have an extra syllable or two here and there, serving the SONG and communication over the meter... there is often a pickup 'extra' word or variation from verse to verse: just pick up ANY songbook of hit songs and you'll see it over and over again...
Now, back to your song: I notice that in the first two verses you RHYMED lines 5 and 6... and then in the last two verses you didn't, which IS upsetting to the ear as we expect to be rewarded with a rhyme here after you have set up the expectation twice before...
Also, the final line of each verse just hangs there, not rhyming to anything at all, which is VERY hard to get away with unless it is setting up something powerful...
In all, this does seem more like a poem in nature than a song, but then I may be wrong (it HAS happened before!)
:^) SexyRexy
Subject: Re: "...Sad Song" REWRITE - Please critique!!!
by Ron Boyte | 05/12/01 at 19:52:41
Hi SR,
I am not sure that the example that you gave of others adding a syllable here and there makes your theory any better than mine. Personally, I like my theory better. I am certainly no expert. What I am is someone who has adopted a plan that has helped me tremendously. I firmly believe that in lyric writing one needs some sort of plan to follow.
If you write and produce you own music, of course you can write and plan your music accordingly. But, the few composers I have worked with want the accents and syllable count to be constant from verse to verse. It is also imo the
most difficult part of songwriting for beginning songwriters to grasp.
If you have a better way, why don't you share it with the rest of us?
Oh, one questions, do you agree that most composers normally use the same identical music for all verses in a song?
Ron
Subject: Re: "...Sad Song" REWRITE - Please critique!!!
by icedreams | 05/12/01 at 22:57:07
Okay, SR- where are you seeing that I am rhyming and then I'm not? Ive got 'tried' and 'inside', 'fear' and 'clear', 'why' and 'I', and 'fresh' and 'dressed' (which isnt a perfect rhyme, I know). I'm just confused cause I dont see what youre saying but it's entirely possible that I just don't see it cause you know how it can get when you work with something enough and you can't even catch things other people do. Thats why we critique! ;)
Ron and SR, I appreciate both your comments. One of the purposes of this board is to share opinions about different styles, not to make anyone subscribe to one or another.
I should say,(I probably shouldve earlier!) that this song is not meant for the general public or to be produced and popularized. I wrote it for me and well, I deserve the best and I want my song to be the best it can be, even if it's just for me. So I do appreciate that having a line that doesn't rhyme, or changing the syllables, etc often doesn't work in "the real world" of music. In my world, it does.;)
Also, I guess it is like poetry, but I like my stuff that way. Not only what I write, but what I listen to.
Maybe the best way to say all of it is that one of my favorite singers of all time is Harry Chapin. I don't write like him (God I wish I could!), but I do see how he often "broke the rules" of songwriting and did it amazingly. I will never be at his level of ability, but I think it's important to keep in mind that you can go by your own rules, just to not be surprised if it never sells! ;) Also, Gordon Lightfoot and Jim Croce and David Gates are up there who often did the same.
Thanks a lot for your help and anyone else's!!!