Subject: hi, i'm new...
Posted by: curzie |
I've seen some great advice on here... I thought I'd post one of my efforts and see how it could be improved etc. It's interesting to see the rules cropping up a lot, I have to admit to being a bit of a rebel, and try to stay clear of the verse - chorus - verse - middle 8 - chorus style of song, and I write the music first (guitar based alternative rock, I guess). Anyway, here we go.
Nameless and Opressed
Look here they come with all their dark dark lies
They look so comfortable
They’ll ask their questions in different sessions
They’ll try to - intimidate, they’ll get in your face
With matters of race and faith and sexual taste
The pace is unstoppable
The heat is unbearable
Reality slides, their accusations will fly
And you know
A place you’d rather be
Where the wind clips the sea
And where we all can be free
And where they won’t come again
With all those lies, lies, lies
And no more pain.
Where the wind clips the sea
And where we all can be free
And where they won’t come again
With all those lies, lies, lies
And no more pain.
I’ll never know your name
I’ll never know your name
If I had my way and I could give you your say
We’d take their power away
We’ll distribute blame and we’ll expose their shame
We’ll try to – incriminate before it’s too late
We’ll prosecute their lies and hate and brutality
The truth will burn like a flame
We’ll never suffer again
Reality’s mine, my accusations will fly…
And you know
A place you’d rather be
Where the wind clips the sea
And where we all can be free
And where they won’t come again
With all those lies, lies, lies
And no more pain.
Where the wind clips the sea
And where we all can be free
And where they won’t come again
With all those lies, lies, lies
And no more pain.
I’ll never know your name
I’ll never know your name
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Subject: Re:hi, i'm new...
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
Welcome, curzie! I think you'll find this a good place to share lyrics and feedback. We all want to hear from you about our work as well, so be sure to read through some of the other topics on the board and give us some feedback.
Before I even get into the construction on this song (which I think is very solid, by the way -- and looks to me like pretty standard V-C-V-C), I'm struck by a problem I have with the message of the song.
Verse 1 speaks against a "they" who accuse and intimidate others. Verse 2 speaks as if it's alright if "we" do the same to them. I'm not sure this is what you're meaning to communicate, but if it is, I have an empathy problem. I can't really get behind the message in verse 2 if the premise of verse 1 is that these same actions are wrong when someone else is doing them. In other words, I think the song has an internal inconsistency, which can really weaken an otherwise strong lyric.
Hope that helps! Interested in hearing the music to this.
-- James
P.S. Really impressed with the smooth internal rhyme combined with real lyrical content on:
Quote:They’ll try to - intimidate, they’ll get in your face
With matters of race and faith and sexual taste |
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Subject: Re:hi, i'm new...
Posted by: curzie |
James, hmmmm! I wondered whether v2 went a bit over the top too... I was in two minds to make this apparent inconsistency a "feature"...you know, ultimate power corrupting ultimately, etc...and today's oppressed becoming tomorrow's oppressor...but that's not the way i intended it to be when I first wrote it. I really wanted it to be about a strike for the mild, trodden down people against the world's exploitative types...but as you observe, it perhaps goes a bit too far (I find it really hard to keep the metre and the rhyme as well as the precise meaning i want to convey...hey, probably not on my own there!).
I will try and upload a rough take of th lyric-less music to the collab. place later. Thanks for your comments!
curzie.. |
Subject: Re:hi, i'm new...
Posted by: Richard_Wilcox |
Hello, good afternoon and welcome, Curzie. 
With regard to song writing rules, ain't no harm breaking them, just be sure you know you are breaking them 
And....talking of rules...which we weren't really, if you hadn't stated that you'd done the music first I might be inclined to give the lecture about line lengths in the verse, but it's redundant in this case.
I agree muchly with James comment on "they" so I'll concentrate on the chorus, which I like. It seems to me that the first word of each line could be dropped quite easily. Using rhymes in each line, as you have, be/sea/free can cause a melody to drag, but I am getting a feeling of "Pacific rollers" here, so depending on the melody could work really nice.
As they say around these parts "not bad".
Richard
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Subject: Re:hi, i'm new...
Posted by: curzie |
Strangely enough, I hadn't noticed that about the rhyme in the chorus... I don't really like the pattern when i see it written down. Oh dear. It sounded ok when i was singing it! I think I'll try and record it tonight and see how it sounds in the morning (the acid test!). But I'm going off it already. God I find this lyric writting hard!
Steve.. |
Subject: Re:hi, i'm new...
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
I see what Richard means about the chorus, but in this case the use of the rhyme more than once isn't a problem to me. Maybe because it's the only rhyme (again/pain isn't really a rhyme). It gets rolling along, then you set up the "no more pain".
I would also recommend removing some of the "ands". I think it might pack more punch something like this:
And you know
A place you’d rather be
Where the wind clips the sea
Where we all can be free
Where they won’t come again
With all those lies, lies, lies
And no more pain.
Where the wind clips the sea
Where we all can be free
Where they won’t come again
With all those lies, lies, lies
And no more pain.
It has a Counting Crows feel to it. I'll be interested to hear your music.
OK back to the verses. Not much to complain about. James has made some good points on content. I hesitate to mess with the meter too much since you have music, so I'll just make a couple of suggestions for removing repetitive words.
Again, it might flow great with the music but it appears in V1 that there are too many "they's". So I'll just shorten a couple of lines.
Look here they come AGAIN with all their dark dark lies
They look so comfortable
ASKING their questions in different sessions
TRYING to - intimidate, they’ll get in your face
With matters of race and faith and sexual taste
The pace is unstoppable
The heat is unbearable
Reality slides, their accusations will fly
Maybe verse 2 should be more about fighting back rather than being an opressor yourself. You more or less start that way then go a bit overboard. It's not far off at all.
Oh, welcome to the board. I look forward to reading more of your songs.
Tom
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Subject: Re:hi, i'm new...
Posted by: Richard_Wilcox |
Quote from: curzie on September 27, 2002, 08:11 AM
Strangely enough, I hadn't noticed that about the rhyme in the chorus... I don't really like the pattern when i see it written down. Oh dear. It sounded ok when i was singing it! I think I'll try and record it tonight and see how it sounds in the morning (the acid test!). But I'm going off it already. God I find this lyric writting hard!
Steve..
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Steve,
Don't let me put you off, it's gonna all be down to the music, if you've got that right it's a humdinger chorus, if the music isn't right it's back to the drawing board.
Same with all those "ands" it's all depends on the music. It's for a song, not a poetry contest
Good luck
Richard |
Subject: Re:hi, i'm new...
Posted by: curzie |
Tom, Richard, Thanks for your suggestions, I'll give them a try. I have been trying to upload the mp3 of the music up to the collaborator's corner, but i didn't realise you needed a p/w. I've applied for one and if i get one I'll upload it.
Steve.. |
Subject: Re:hi, i'm new...
Posted by: curzie |
I have now uploaded the MP3 to:
http://www.recordingforums.com/subt/collab
The singing starts at the second bar and goes thru the chorus into the heavy chord C - D - Em bit. Hope it makes sense 
curzie.. |
Subject: Re:hi, i'm new...
Posted by: songstress51 |
hiya Steve
I would like to comment on this one after I hear the music, but I can't get the mp3 to download???
When I hit "save target as" it doesn't start downloading?
I will come back later and check again.
K |
Subject: Re:hi, i'm new...
Posted by: curzie |
I've re-uploaded and it's working ok now  .
curzie.. |
Subject: Re:hi, i'm new...
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
Curzie, I really need the melody line in some form or other... hummed or played on an instrument or something.
The question I had was about how the words laid against the chords. Right now all I can hear are the chord progressions. 
-- James |
Subject: Re:hi, i'm new...
Posted by: curzie |
James...fair comment, I shoulda thought of that.  I'll see if I can sing a take of the original lyrics so you can get the melody. I won't be till next week/end, though, as its a bad week for work. I hate the way work gets in the way of making music!
curzie..
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