Subject: "Lemon Avenue" - feedback/tweaks please
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
I'm working on a song for my OLDER sister's 50th birthday (  ) which is this weekend. I thought I'd throw it out here in its current form and get some feedback. This one is personal, so it may not fit a more universal theme, and that's ok with me. I'm just looking for suggestions that might be incorporated in the panic session of writing and recording that will probably happen tonight. 
The "safe street" line bugs me, and I'm thinking a bridge might be handy somewhere, but the thing seems balanced as is.
Thanks in advance for any comments and help!
Lemon Avenue
Copyright 2002 by James B. Mitchell
V1:
Do you still remember when you and I were small?
As we both get older, it's easy, after all,
Tucked away on a safe street we thought the whole world had
Nothing ever happened, well, nothing really bad
Not to me and you…. on Lemon Avenue.
V2:
Speckled brown linoleum, piano on the side,
Horse’s heads in stitching on the sofa’s naugahyde,
On the floor together, marking time to see
Mr. Ed and Gidget on our black-and-white TV
That was me and you… on Lemon Avenue.
Chorus:
What was our rush to get over and through,
out to a world that we neither one knew?
Life seemed so boring, now boring sounds good.
Oh, for some time back in our neighborhood....
V3:
Whispering in our bunkbeds after we’re tucked in
Working out the world and how we both fit in
When we get too tired, nodding off and dull,
Finding fits of laughter in the simplest things of all,
Things like me and you and Lemon Avenue.
Chorus:
What was our rush to get over and through,
out to a world that we neither one knew?
Life seemed so boring, now boring sounds good.
Or for some time back in our neighborhood....
Tag:
At the end of a day that I've fought to make it through
I close my eyes and find myself... standing next to you
Back on Lemon Avenue.
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Subject: Re:"Lemon Avenue" - feedback/tweaks please
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
I'm wondering... how about, instead of:
"Tucked away on a safe street we thought the whole world had"
It was:
"Tucked away in a safe place we thought the whole world had"
Does that work any better? Arrggh.. I like deadlines, but not ones that are this tight. Still haven't recorded, but I do have a play-through of it done.
- James |
Subject: Re:"Lemon Avenue" - feedback/tweaks please
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
James,
A couple of lines here give me a problem. You've hit on the main one. The "safe street" line is looong and I'm not sure it's too easy on the ear. You kind of have to think to pick up what you're saying.
OK back to the beginning:
"Do you still remember when you and I were small?
As we both get older, it's easy, after all,
Tucked away on a safe street we thought the whole world had
Nothing ever happened, well, nothing really bad
Not to me and you…. on Lemon Avenue."
The second line: Typically you'd think it would be harder to remember as you get older. You'd want to lament that with the busy lives you have it's not so easy to remember the old days:
"Do you still remember when you and I were small?
As we both get older, it's NOT SO easy, after all,"
I really like the sentiments of this verse. Just think you need to pare down that safe street line.
No problems with verse two. Lots of personal nostalgic details which is what you're shooting for.
Not crazy about the chorus:
"What was our rush to get over and through,
out to a world that we neither one knew?
Life seemed so boring, now boring sounds good.
Oh, for some time back in our neighborhood...."
The second line sounds awkward. Seems you're rushing through the chorus. Maybe lengthen the lines a touch to smooth them out.
I'd like to see the last line be something like:
"Oh, for some time TOGETHER back in our neighborhood...."
Get you and your sister both back on Lemon Ave.
The extra syllables will give you some space in the other lines too.
Nothing jumps out at me in the remaining verses. (Which is good!)
Hope this helps. I'm sure your sister will appreciate it.
Tom
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Subject: Re:"Lemon Avenue" - feedback/tweaks please
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
Thanks for the feedback, Tom! I like the suggestions! I'll be working on this again tonight, and probably tomorrow night as well. I'm hoping to get a basic MIDI file done for accompaniment and record my voice along with it, burning to a CD-R. I've never actually recorded my voice into a WAV file along with an accompaniment like this, so I'm entering into unknown waters.
I'll keep you posted, and, God willing, if I get a file recorded I'll see if I can post it somewhere for people to hear.
-- James |
Subject: Re:"Lemon Avenue" - feedback/tweaks please
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
Tom, I was thinking about the chorus section and your comments about rushing through it. I think it's not really functioning as a chorus, but as a "B" section, like an old song ("Somewhere Over the Rainbow", for example). Which then got me thinking about why I'm repeating it if it's a "B" section.
I'm still monkeying with this, as you can tell.  Thanks again for the feedback.
Had a GREAT rehearsal for "Empty Places" last night, by the way. More on that separately.
-- James |
Subject: Re:"Lemon Avenue" - feedback/tweaks please
Posted by: snabbu |
Hi James
I noticed your comment about maybe rewriting this tin pan ally AB style I think from memory that stuff went 24 bars A, 24 bars B.
I just thought that if you wanted the chorus to work better the first thing to consider is to get the song title (hook) back into it “Lemon avenue”
Current chorus
What was our rush to get over and through,
out to a world that we neither one knew?
Life seemed so boring, now boring sounds good.
Oh, for some time back in our neighborhood....
first edit
What was our rush to get over and through,
out to a world that we neither one knew?
Life seemed so boring, now boring sounds good.
Oh, for some time back in lemon avenue
It seems to me that if you start from this point and work backwards to make a chorus that works well using technique it would be easier than working it up to a 24 bar thing, however I think we should deliberately write something in that style to see how we go at it, using old fashioned images could be fun, like one of those period type things the Beatles occasionally did. I always like to try something that is new to me, sometimes you find genres that you have always put down are very hard to do well. I found this when I wrote a country song, it was very hard to do. One day I will write a rap song Ha :-)
Back to your chorus starting from the last line and working backwards
I don’t think the image is all it could be. When you look back you only remember the good things like through rose coloured glasses, things seemed more stable and safe then. The thing is to cram as much of that into the last line as possible.
Memories or dreams of Lemon avenue
Images and dreams of Lemon avenue
Dreaming a memory of Lemon avenue
Remembering a dream of lemon avenue
Recalling a dream of Lemon avenue
When I was happy with something I would decide on the hook emphasis technique and I think the most available at the moment is to
delay the resolution of rhyme IE to have only the first and last lines rhyme, AXXA.
The second last line is good there is a minor tweak so that you use a slightly different form for the first and second “boring” statements. It also seems to help with singability to me.
Life seemed so boring, now boring sounds good.
becomes:-
Life seemed a bore, now boring sounds good.
The first two lines of the chorus need a bit more consideration because I don’t think you should be asking questions in this chorus I think you should be giving answers or making statements and put the questions in the verses. The images for the lines are correct rushing to get out into a world that we don’t know anything about. But more statements than questions. If you had some good question lines you could add a pre chorus they would work well as that.
To make the hook emphasis technique work line one needs to rhyme with avenue and line two must not rhyme with anything.
I had a thought that it may up the anti in the hook emphasis stakes if you had a double on lines one and four
Like “have it too”/ “Avenue “
(warning the words cake and eat are banned from this chorus :-))
Thinking about that image of looking back through rose coloured glasses the rhyme of true pops into my head but I can’t think of something for the first part of the double
“???ave and true” / “Avenue”
does “even true” work ? perhaps almost but that’s going to end up being a question which we don’t want here like “was it real or even true”
Perhaps it’s
“we dreamed our freedom, we would have it too
In a world no one really, understands
Life seemed a bore, now boring sounds good.
Dreaming a memory of, Lemon avenue”
Perhaps it isn’t, but as my head is hurting and as I am now thinking it might work even better with an extra line in between lines three and four that rhymes with itself and not anything else or as an ABBA rhyme like:-
“we dreamed our freedom, we would have it too
In a world no one really, understood
Life seemed a bore, now boring sounds good.
Dreaming a memory of, Lemon avenue”
I think I will stop typing and leave it alone. I mean lemons are bitter but this is a sweet memory there is a lot here to fiddle with. I will shut up now.
Cheers
Gary
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