Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: RobertK |
Maybe I'm just an old foagie, but lines like
"ill cut your eyes out, ill see you with your eyes out, and then ill cut your tongue out, so you cant cry, and you ask me why?"
is not the kind of writing that is to be encouraged.
That such thoughts are voiced, even occur to begin with, bespeaks more of mental illness rather than creativity worthy of publication.
I think the thing that makes this all the more macabre is the preceding politesse of that "I'm pleased to have met you".
If you're merely trying to shock, all I can say is that it's already been done a thousand times over, and there's enough real violence in the world already to make this type of output leave a bad taste. |
Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: beren3001 |
you are right, it is a very depressing song, but isnt music supposed to be about life? its not all a bed of roses. thanx for your input anyway, it all helps. ps ,im just a normal well rounded person, it is not supposed to be a story of my life, its a story of just one thing that could happen in ANYONES life.  |
Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: RobertK |
Oh, it's more than just depressing, old chum. It's downright sociopathic.
I don't believe the cutting out of eyes and tongues is something that "could happen to anyone" or in just anyone's life.
That's the surreal world of Steven King and Oliver Stone, or some Third World hell-hole excuse of a country...
certainly not the type of environs in which one accesses the 'net from the comfort of one's den or the local library, writing songs and asking for critques.
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Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: beren3001 |
the words 'ill cut yur eyes out, ill see you with your eyes out' etc etc are intended as a figure of speech. it speaks of the pain of the character the song is written about. it is not meant to be taken quite as literally as you seem to have taken it.  |
Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: RobertK |
Well, dense me!
Ordinarily, when I hear someone say (or see someone write) "I'll cut your eyes (or tongue) out" and "I'll see you with your eyes out", I get more the impression of renegades from a movie like Goodfellas or the Manson Family, rather than Love Story or Romeo & Juliet.
I totally missed the depth of symbolism in those subtly-crafted lines.
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Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: beren3001 |
| i suppose you have never heard the violent femmes' 'country death song'? if you have im sure you would hate it. but each to their own. why? is a song about a woman in an abusive relationship. did the subtleties of suzzanne vega's 'luka' go over your head too? i may not have said in so many words exactly what the song is about, but everyone ive played it to knew exactly what it was about, and they LIKED it too. i guess you need to hear the music that goes with it to get the whole picture. |
Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: RobertK |
You're truly becoming tedious. Did the hit song "Luka" celebrate the macabre, as does your blood curling "I want to cut out your eyes"?
I was into songs like "Sympathy For The Devil" before you were even born, so if you want to study how good songwriters get those kinds of points across, there's a start.
And don't quote me any fringe crap like the Violent Femmes - go back to the true roots or punk/alternative and talk to me about The Velvet Underground or Lou Reed's "Berlin".
The one point I will give you is the music thing, and without the music, there's little to truly tell about the merit of a lyric. But that's because a good/great song is in the performance above all, followed by the melody.
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Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: beren3001 |
you know robert, you only seem to be interesred in music thats over twenty years old, you havnt offered ANY constructive criticism, in fact yuv been downright rude, right from the start. the violent femmes may not appeal to you but you ask the thousands of people who do like it. they are just as musically creative as anyone and quite frankly lou reed is very depressing and i dont much like his monotone voice. if yur not going to be constuctive dont bother to answer this thread!  |
Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: old_dan |
Ok Beren, you've lost me. Apparently you deleted the lyrics.
The debate is interesting tho. Perhaps you need to make a few changes so the listener knows it is not meant to be taken literally. Slice of time songs (even angry ones) can be very good but need a point of reference.
And Lou Reed depressing and monotone? Don't ever listen to Leonard Cohen ;D |
Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: RobertK |
Well, admittedly I've been harsh and rude, much like a Dutch uncle taking his younger peers to task for stepping out of line. The 'constructive' part of my original criticism is that lines like "I want to cut your eyes out" turn off too many people to be considered "good songwriting".
Like I said, if your target audience is a very narrow demographic of older teen and early twenties metal-goth boys, then you certainly don't need analysis of your lyrics, especially if you're the performer.
But if you want to write something that others will perform, the rules become a whole lot stricter.
Take it for what it's worth, kid. |
Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: beren3001 |
ok robert, actually im a thirty year old woman, and i certainly dont hang around in goth mosh pits. i write my own music. i play my own music. period. old dan, sorry to be confusing, i deleted the lyrics because i couldnt get the d**mn thing to line up properly lol. maybe you can tell me how to do that?thanx for your advice too, ill try to get the lyrics back up as soon as...BEREN
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Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: beren3001 |
sorry old dan, i do find leonard cohen depressing lol...BEREN
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Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: RobertK |
Wow, if you're truly a 30 year-old woman, and not some late-teens/early twenties guy into death metal just jerking my chain, then I've certainly misjudged the creator of those "cut out your eyes" lines.
That kind of excess is somewhat understandable, though not totally excusable, given the follies of adolescent males.
But coming from a thirty-something woman, it's even more soul-curdling than I could have imagined.
All I can say is, I think you've perhaps been hanging around with the wrong kind of crowd for the past decade.
Either that or I've been leading a sheltered existence and am truly out of touch with what's passing for acceptable expression nowadays.
More's the pity for one of us. |
Subject: Re: just for starters
Posted by: beren3001 |
| ah yes well, that is the point isnt it. the song is supposed to be soul curdling, and yes, the world has changed.
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