Subject: One More Tomorrow
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
This one's about as sad as I can get. Something in the James Taylor "Fire and Rain" mood I guess.
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Subject: Re:One More Tomorrow
Posted by: snabbu |
Hi Tom
I think there are a couple of issues with this that need addressing.
What is good about it is the set up, you are using the situational set up. In one line I know your in a car it’s raining which it should be as it fits the mood.
The idea of playing around with the yesterdays and tomorrows is a good one as well.
The problems I see in a story flow sense are these.
There is a “we” in the first line I think the character should be alone so that should be “I”
The most important thing is that there is no more reference to being in a car or on the road until the bridge and there needs to be something in the second verse to keep the image flowing. You have “No more sunny smiles await me at the door” as the first line which fits well with the image of going home alone to an empty house but there is no reference to the traveling home in a car alone in this verse and there needs to be for story continuity and to reinforce the bridge metaphor
of facing the road alone.
The bridge is mostly good, the word “just” it’s a filler word and redundant. I am also a bit unsure about using the term “Solitary Man”
I am not sure if it’s because of the Neil Diamond connotations or because it’s non conversational English. So I think there needs to be an edit of the last part of line two “just a solitary man” as it is weak and detracts from the bridge it is particularly noticeable sitting next to the other lines “We thought we had forever, but fate had other plans
Now I face this road alone” which are strong.
I don’t think the chorus works very well.
“Oh... I'd beg, I'd steal, I'd borrow
To wash away this sorrow
I'd spend my final dollar
Just to buy one more tomorrow...with you”
Reason one is because the first line is a cliche and is old and tired.
Reason two is I feel the image of money related to an unexpected loss
spend my final Dollar to buy one more tomorrow is shallow and meaningless, money would mean nothing in a situation like this so I have lost sympathy for the character.
Reason three is I wanted you to bring together the tomorrows and the yesterdays thing here and give it a bit of a hammering, to me he should be giving up something meaningful for his one more day.
So I think the chorus should be written around the Idea of
him “Giving up all his tomorrows for one more yesterday with you”
To me that would be a more powerful image.
Enjoyed the read
Cheers
Gary
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Subject: Re:One More Tomorrow
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
Gary, thanks for the read and the detailed critique.
Let me just toss out a couple of explanations and also beginning ideas of where I may go with this one.
Maybe I'm being too vague in the first line, but what I'm picturing is the funeral procession, they're riding together for the last time, more or less having their last conversation. Therefore the "we" rather than "I". Didn't want to get too descriptive there and get downright morbid, but I'm happy that you at least saw the picture I was drawing.
Good points on the chorus, I'm thinking of dropping it maybe saving the "buy one more tomorrow" part for another verse.
I may rework the second verse into a chorus and get the "no new yesterdays" in the song a couple more times.
That'll let me create a new second verse. I'll keep in mind what you said about using the traveling/road metaphor, traveling/driving somewhere, to some extent, to "buy one more tomorrow". Something like that.
As far as the bridge goes, consider "just" dropped. I'll have to think on the "solitary man" part. What kind of "man" should he be?
Anyway, this gives me something to work on. I appreciate you taking the time. I'll be curious as to what some others think.
Thanks
Tom |
Subject: Re:One More Tomorrow
Posted by: snabbu |
Hi Tom
I don’t know maybe he’s a desolate man, or an inconsolable man, look I think it’s too weird to be talking to a dead person on the way to the funeral not to mention that the mourners don’t ride in the hearse the guys in the black suites do that and unless you actually say something about it being a funeral no one will get it. I could imprint on it that he was on his way home from say a hospital visit and “they” the doctors had just given him the bad news that she wasn’t coming out again. Which is a lot less weird.
Cheers
Gary |
Subject: Re:One More Tomorrow
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
I realize who rides where. I'm not talking about an out loud conversation with a dead person. I don't think that in the finality of the situation it would be weird for a person to be having a "conversation" in their head with their deceased loved one.
I guess maybe I am the only one who doesn't have a problem with that first line. I suppose that should tell me something.
Probably change it from conversational to more descriptive. |
Subject: Re:One More Tomorrow
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
Hi, Tom. I missed the whole funeral procession thing, too. Odd -- because I just got home from an all-day funeral today. 
For me, it would help a lot to get a key word in the first sentence. I know it doesn't fit your meter, but something like:
"Cold rain kicks off the hearse's hood as we slowly roll aong"
Then I'd know-- *ding* -- there's only one place I'd see raindrops hitting on the hood of a hearse.
The "won't" throws me... "Won't" sounds like something in the future. "wouldn't" would make more sense, or something like "you weren't coming home no more". Then I'd know it was news you got in the past about something that happened in the past. Otherwise, my timesense is really confused.
I'm fine with the "Just" in the chorus -- LOL Pretty strange, coming from the "Just" nazi, but it fits to me here. It could be replaced with "only" and have the same meaning. You would give all to have only (or just) one more day. To me, this is one of the few places that "Just" makes sense. Now, later on, "Just a solitary man".... THAT bugs me. 
Other than that, I'm ok with the song. I think some of the imagery could be punched up by putting a more original twist, like "walks along the shore", "gentle loving ways", etc. But overall, it flows well to me and works fine.
Hope that helps! If not, please ignore it. It's just opinion.
-- James
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Subject: Re:One More Tomorrow
Posted by: songstress51 |
well, i read everyone elses critiques before doing mine. Slap me in the face...thats not really fair.
I can see some of the points that are being made here.
I think James hit the nail on the head by using the word hearse. Even better would be to use an image of watching the hearse pull away from you, leaving you.
Quote:Cold rain kicks off the blacktop as we slowly roll along
Memories wring emotions, like some sad and mournful song
Ever since they told me, you won't be coming home
My spirit has been shaken; my reality's been torn |
suggestion:
cold rain kicks off the blacktop
as the hearse slowly rolls away
memories wring emotions
on this sad and mournful day
Ever since they told me
you wouldnt come around
my spirit was so shaken
reality wore me down
I am not a big fan of using the same rhyme scheme in the chorus either. It works here, but I think it could be done more interestingly...
Quote:Oh... I'd beg, I'd steal, I'd borrow
To wash away this sorrow
I'd spend my final dollar
Just to buy one more tomorrow...with you |
I'd beg, I'd steal, I'd trade my soul
to wash away this sorrow
I'd give up all I have
Just to buy one more tomorrow with you
says the same thing, a little more longingly, IMHO....
hope this helped.
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Subject: Re:One More Tomorrow
Posted by: songstress51 |
and another thing, if noone has dibbs on the music, can I play with this one?
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Subject: Re:One More Tomorrow
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
Quote from: songstress51 on August 07, 2002, 06:00 AM
and another thing, if noone has dibbs on the music, can I play with this one?
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Sure you can. I'd just like to work on the lyrics a bit more. I'm trying to avoid using "hearse" in the first verse. It seems too strong, I'd prefer to imply the funeral scene more subtly.
I'll get back to you soon with a rewrite (I hope!) |
Subject: Re:One More Tomorrow
Posted by: snabbu |
I was wondering if you want to avoid using hearse
the second line could refer to
A final sad procession to sing one last farewell song
to keep it a bit oblique.
Just a thought
Cheers
Gary |
Subject: Re:One More Tomorrow
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
| Yep, that's the idea. Thanks a lot. I was spending too much time trying to squeeze the whole thought into the first line. |
Subject: Re:One More Tomorrow
Posted by: Jt |
Hi Tom,
I generally love your stuff.
But, maybe I'm missing something here.
No critiques on the meter/rhyme part. You're right on there, but....
Why do I want to listen to a song about a guy talking to someone in a hearse?
I like sad songs. But there's sad... and then there's SAD.
Just not my cup of tea, I guess. I do like your style.
Jt
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Subject: Re:One More Tomorrow
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
JT, thanks for reading. I think the discussion of this has gotten too focused on the hearse discussion. (My fault)
What I was really trying to do in the first lines is set the mood and the story. Mournful, somber, the departed is deceased, not a lover who has just walked out. The "we" in the first line can be the whole funeral procession, which I'm going to make clearer, I hope, in a rewrite.
The discussion between the singer and the deceased isn't literally a discussion. It's his mental thoughts, feelings, sense of loss.
I'm in the process of changing it around a bit to hopefully clear things up since most people tend to get stuck on the same thing. (Which would indicate it's ME and not the reader)
I appreciate all the input from everyone.
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