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Return to: Archives · The Freedom Exchange Subject: Shine Posted by: sunray99 Here's a song I wrote(criticism welcome) Shine (c)2002.Ray Melana (v1) When I'm walking and I feel alone I've got you guiding me from home although your time with us has passed the love you gave me always lasts (chorus1) you always laughed with me you always cried with me you always stood by me you'll always shine on me shine on me (v2) Grace is in the kitchen crying she sais it wasn't yet your time but when she lets her anger go then she will be the next to know (chorus2) you always laughed with her you always cried with her you always stood by her you'll always shine on her shine on her (melodic clean solo over chorus section) v3/bridge (just vocal& guitars) when I close my eyes I see your face in my dreams i'm in your place where no one else could ever cause us harm we're all together and were held in arms you always laughed with me you always cried with me you always stood by me you'll always shine on me shine on me(repeat into fade) Subject: Re:Shine Posted by: jamesbmitchell Very nice, Sunray.  Verse 1 seems a little plain into comparison to 2.  Verse 2 seems exceptionally strong to me, which leads me to... I REALLY like the opening of Verse 2 - "Grace is in the kitchen crying / She says it wasn't yet your time"....  Have you ever thought about using that for the first verse?  I'd recommend giving it a try.  I think it would be a gripping opening line.  The third verse seems solid to me except for "and we're in arms"... just seems a little tortured English, especially since "in arms" as a phrase means "armed, carrying weapons" (like "Up in arms"). A possibility would be to drop verse 1, substitute it with verse 2, use verse 3 as 2, and then add a verse that led into "laughed with them / cried with them ", etc.    Just a thought. I'd love to hear it.  Do you have it up on a website somewhere? -- James

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