Subject: Another drinking song!
Posted by: Michael |
Dreams into a nightmare
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Subject: Re:Another drinking song!
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
Hi, Michael. Well, I hung back for a few days because I was just getting embarrassed by how many times "last post" was my name.  Oh, well.. maybe it's just you and me on the board right now. 
The first two verses are really solid, IMO. The conversational tone and the bluntness of it all fits the character so well. The lines flow together nicely. My only nitpick would be the contraction "I've". I'm not sure where you're from and I know that the British Country market is different from the American one, but "I've" just doesn't sound natural if you're shooting for the American market. "I got" would be more colloquial but it might not fit.
The chorus seems a little too distant and reflective compared to the verses, IMO. It's more like a summary of the man's condition, but not something I'd expect to hear him say, at least not in such succinct terms. The last two lines in particular seem too much like fact-reporting. I'd picture him being a little more personal about it. (WARNING: my example lines are usually pretty bad, but I don't mind if you don't. I just provide them as fodder, not finished material.)
Instead of:
I have lost all the things that I respected
Soon I,l carry my whole life in a plastic sack
Something like:
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my self-respect the most
But it wouldn't fit inside the plastic sack.
The third verse doesn't have the same poignancy of the first two. There's a clarity to the first two verses that's mixed with that torn feeling of a person in the grip of something. I don't get that same feeling when I read verse 3. Wish I could be more specific, but there's only the statement of the situation -- "I've tried to fight it, but I can't". It just seems like it's missing some relationship to something else -- some image, some consequence, something.
But again, I really like the opening verses -- especially "down to two, then just you, now {i've} no one". What a nice progression! Don't know if there's a weakness by rhyming "one" with "no one". I'm assuming the melody finesses that.
Thanks for sharing this! Keep us posted on the re-worked stuff - I learn so much from watch people work through their re-writes.
-- James
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Subject: Re:Another drinking song!
Posted by: Michael |
Hi James,Your help is always welcome so keep on doing what your doing.
Regarding the song,
The first line on the chorous should have read:-
Now I,m drinking all my dreams into a nightmare
I will work on the rest of the chorus.and the third verse.
Though I,m based in the UK I am actualy involved in the Irish country music scene where you can have a platinum album and nobody in the UK or America would ever hear of it!
Besides which the States has enough excellent country writers
some of who,s songs are covered by UK pop artists.
Bye for now,
Mick. |
Subject: Re:Another drinking song!
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
A platinum album's a platinum album, as far as I'm concerned! That's a pretty exciting prospect. Thanks for the info on your market -- it helps a lot when reading through your lyrics.
I'm off for the weekend to the Salt Lake City area (about 500 miles from my homebase of Los Angeles) to play keyboards in a Christian Country band. My whole upbringing was classical, so it's a real challenge to fit into this style of music. I have nothing but the greatest respect for people who can improvise -- I'm hopeless at it. As I tell Mark Bailey, the guy we're backing up, "I can be spontaneous -- just so long as you give me a few weeks to rehearse it!"  I'm getting better, though. Over the past four years I've moved from needing to write everything out note-for-note, to being able to fake it from chord charts, to just beginning to get the concept of "following the lead" to figure out what the next chord is. By the time I'm 80, I might actually be competent!
Be sure to post the re-write -- looking forward to it!
-- James |
Subject: Re:Another drinking song!
Posted by: pick up truks |
Hi James,You can see now there,s no point in me writing about pick up trucks and one eyed three legged dogs!But then again...........an ideas an idea.I will give it some thought.
seriously,I hope you have a good gig there,s nothing quite like playing live is there?
Are donny and Marie going to be there?
Safe journey back.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Mick. ;
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