Subject: Half a lyric.
Posted by: Michael |
I need some help with this lyric,
Working title,Now it,s over.
I picked up the phone and I heard her say
My bags are packed I,m ready to go I,m leaving him today
Then a voice came back as cold as ice
honey we,ev had a lot of fun it,s been real nice
Chorous
But now it,s over
The party has to end
I see no reason why
We cant still be friends
My wife adores me
and the kids are happy too
I just dont think
I want to give this up for you
Any ideas? |
Subject: Re:Half a lyric.
Posted by: Michael |
Hi It,s me again.
I should point out that this lyric refers to the husband overhearing on an extension line a conversation his wife is having with someone.
One of the main problems is making that obvious in the firs line.
Mick.   |
Subject: Re:Half a lyric.
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
I'd say you have your finger on the problem exactly, Mick. If you have to explain it.... 
Why not try to lengthen the set-up? Give the listener a chance to catch up with the scene. Maybe set it up so that they know he had suspicions or had no suspicion - either way, they get telegraphed that something shocking is about to happen. I'd say the best thing you could do is turn the first line into a first verse.
The other problem I see with the song is that the chorus is only relating to one side of the story. It's going to be tough to set that chorus back up from a second verse standpoint.
If the chorus doesn't either apply more generically to the situation, or (with a twist), apply in multiple ways to the same situation, you're going to have structural problems. Otherwise, why would the person on the other line repeat this part of the conversation? It doesn't hold water.
If you could pull something off like the voice on the other end being his best friend and the chorus wrapping around to later on with the "dumpee" husband saying it to his friend, that would be interesting. Requires some re-write to the chorus ("I can't see no reason why / we should still be friends"), but it could make for an interesting story. Just a thought.
That's my opinion, at least. I think the problems here are mechanical in nature. Nothing wrong with the theme, just some of the foundation beams aren't in the right place.
-- James |
Subject: Re:Half a lyric.
Posted by: Michael |
I,v managed to remember the second verse and chorous.
Now it,s over.
From the downstairs phone I heard her say
My suitcase is packed I,m ready to go I,m leaving him today
Then a voice came back as cold as ice
said honey we,ev had some real good times
it,s sure been nice
Chorous
But now it,s over
The party has to end
I see no reason why we cant still be friends
my wife adores me
and the kids are happy too
I just dont think that I
Could give this up for you
Inst break
Then I heard a click the line went dead
I could hear her crying to herself as she came back to bed
I pretended I was still asleep
I knew the things I wanted to say
Would just have to keep
2nd Chorous
I,d say it,s over
The party had to end
I see no reason why
We cant still be friends
I still adore you
And the kids are happy to
if you,l just give us half a chance
We,el make it up to you
End |
Subject: Re:Half a lyric.
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
Hi, Mick. Just got around to looking at both verses and choruses together. Sorry for the delay!
I don't know how anyone else feels, but I think there's too little motivation in the song for the guy to be so accommodating. If there had been something about "and I thought of all the times I"d hurt her / and threatened to desert her" or something, then I'd see why he's being so nice when catching her in an infidelity. Otherwise, the reaction seems really strange. She's been unfaithful. Why would his reaction be that he and the kids should try harder? I think there's some missing info here.
Just my stupid old opinion. 
-- James |
Subject: Re:Half a lyric.
Posted by: Michael |
Hi James,Pleased you got back ok.hope the gig went well.
I was rather hoping that my lyrics would simply drop off the end of the page and that would be it,so I was a bit surprised to see one of them somewhere near the top.
In defence of the situation of the lyric and not of the lyric itself,because as you know I dont think I can write lyrics i will gladly hand the job over to somebody else and just get on with the music,but meanwhile,i never fail to be amazed as to what some people will tolerate in a relationship quite simply because they do not want to be alone.
Obviously my lyric is a story but I know of at least three couples where one of the partners has had to make some very serious compromises in an effort to keep the relationship going and in particular if there are children involved.
Would I do it?No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!But who really knows until you are faced with the situation. |
Subject: Re:Half a lyric.
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
Thanks, Michael. I had a GREAT trip! Park City, Utah is incredible. I'd love to go back again. Saw a horrific forest fire on the way back. As a long-distance friend said yesterday, "it seems like the whole West is on fire."
I think we spoke at cross-purposes here. I absolutely agree with you that what people will do boggles the mind, and that love is a tremendous motivator to do the irrational.
I didn't say that the situation wasn't plausible, simply that there was too little motivationin the song that I could see to back up the action in the last verse. If you add it to the song, the thing will fall into place. It's just that we, as the uninitiated audience, need all the key pieces to put the puzzle together.
Don't give up on this lyric. It has a lot going for it!
-- James
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Subject: Re:Half a lyric.
Posted by: snabbu |
Hi Michael
This is a good song idea good angle it has a couple of technical problems. Problem number one is what is where, the question or problem or situation should be in the verse the answer solution or sum up in the chorus.
"honey we've had some real good times
it’s sure been nice"
This type of line or statement belongs in the chorus not the verse.
The second thing I feel is there are a few redundant words.
So the first edit would be to go through and chop out every word that isn’t working it’s butt off.
Original
"From the downstairs phone I heard her say
My suitcase is packed I,m ready to go I,m leaving him today
Then a voice came back as cold as ice
said honey we,ev had some real good times
it,s sure been nice"
Edited down with the line I mentioned put into the build instead of the verse.
Verse
From the downstairs phone I heard her say
My case is packed ready to go I’m leaving him today
A voice came back as cold as ice
A voice I knew I recognized.
Build
Saying honey we've had some real good times
it’s sure been nice
The next thing to do is to make the chorus work equally well for the first and second verses without squibbing and writing slightly different lyrics. I have no idea how you are going to achieve that at this precise moment if you do the second verse about her and you miss out the "wife adores me" line and just talk about the kids then that might work
You would change the emphasis with a different build.
Example
Chorus
So now it’s over
The party had to end
I see no reason why we can’t still be friends
The kids adore me
I just don't think that I
Could give this up because of you.
But if you knew who the guy on the phone was you would have to direct a verse to him and that is a tough problem there must be a way to make it work though there usually is.
I’m glad it’s your headache though.
Cheers
Gary |
Subject: Re:Half a lyric.
Posted by: BlindCowboy |
Actually, I think your 1st and second is good. But, I agree that there should be more explaination as to why he gave in so easily. This sounds like a country song, and i'll follow that path. I think that an included bridge would be enough to give the kick and define the arguement. I think that you knowing the guy on the phone only changes the basis of the song.
I'm madder than hell
Your crying alone,
the kids are asleep
And your coming in the door.
But I remember the time
When I spent my last chance
You caught me with my hand
down the secretary's pants..
(Obviously joke lyrics) But, none the less, the explaination is in the bridge about why he's to take her back...
My two cents..
Blind Cowboy. |
Subject: Re:Half a lyric.
Posted by: Michael |
Hi Blind cowboy, Nice one,It is a Country song.I was hoping I would not have to redo the backing track.I,m just being lazy!
Thanks to everybody for their help,in particular JamesB and Snabbu.
Mick.
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