Subject: In the Golden Age: (Revised and condensed)
Posted by: Michael Fortunato |
Hi Folks,
Thanks for all your feedback. Mike
In The Golden Age
2002(C) Michael Fortunato
V1
There's a real need deep in my heart
That gets clearer as things fall apart,
All this time I've hoped for the best
When earth would be at peace and at rest,
Chorus
In the golden age
In the golden age
Looking for the golden age
That is yet to come,
V2
I walk by faith against a dark sea
Holding my dreams of a world free,
Though life seems short and bittersweet
Still I believe it'll be complete,
Chorus
In the golden age
In the golden age
Looking for the golden age
that is yet to come,
Bridge
'Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
On earth as it is, in heaven' (Luke 11:2)
V3
In that time my hopes are fulfilled
My Lord will return, wars will be stilled,
He will restore earth crown us in glory
Life shall reach the stage it's meant to be,
Chorus 2x
In the golden age
In the golden age
See you in the golden age
That is yet to come
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Subject: Re:In the Golden Age: (Revised and condensed)
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
Hi, Michael. I like the first-person treatment much better, personally. The lead-in on the second verse into the chorus is really nice -- "Still I believe it'll be complete / In the Golden Age". Verse 3 will still only make sense to someone "churched", I think, but it has a much more personal ring in this re-write.
A couple of lines stick out to me:
"I walk by faith against a dark sea"
I like the "against a dark sea" but "walk" seems to be the wrong action verb. Can't quite picture someone walking against a dark sea.
"Life will reach the stage it's meant to be"
The English is a little tortured on this one -- If you turn it around to see what the line is saying, it comes out, "Life is meant to be the stage it will reach". "Be" and "reach" don't really go together in this phrase -- looks like a reach for a rhyme that's damaged the meaning of the line.
I think the tone is much more consistent in the lyrics now. There's more of a constant longing in the tone. I like the overall feel much better.
Of course, I still have a nit to pick on "of a world free", but that could just be personal. :^)
Good work on the re-write! Keep it up!
-- James
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Subject: Re:In the Golden Age: (Revised and condensed)
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
How about this for the beginning of verse two? It keeps the meter and meaning and may resolve James' issues:
I walk by faith before a dark sea
Holding my dreams of a world set free,
Though life seems short and bittersweet
Still I believe it WILL be complete,
I'd also get rid of the contraction in the fourth line. I think it will be more consistent in pacing to the other lines leading into the chorus (v1 & v3)
Hope this helps.
Tom
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Subject: Re:In the Golden Age: (Revised and condensed)
Posted by: Michael Fortunato |
Thanks James and Tom with your help on my second verse,
Soime great insights and corrections, Thanks, Mike
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Subject: Re:In the Golden Age: (Revised and condensed)
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
Well, I didn't want to say anything until Michael did, but I thought your solution was brilliant, Tom! Nicely done -- thanks for the example.
-- James
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