Subject: A new/old one one- feel free to rip apart!
Posted by: @sh |
'Small Hour Blues'
V1
Dust me off
I've been lying in cheating grass
Tell me off
I don't deserve your pity
V2
Tell me everything that you hate about me
I'll tell you everything I can change
Tell me everything that you love about me
As we slip into the danger
Ch
The Small hour blues
Sail the mirrored lake
After just one line
I can see you fake it
The small hour blues
I could do nothing
V3
I missed a chance
I never deserved the break
Stumbled words
I've failed
V4
Talk down to me like I am nothing
And I'll look up to you
Tell me how bad a soul i have
As we slip into the danger
Ch
The Small hour blues
Sail the mirrored lake
After just one line
I can see you fake it
The small hour blues
I could do nothing
Ad lib to end
|
Subject: Re:A new/old one one- feel free to rip apart!
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
Hi, Ash. There's a lot of mood to this lyric. I'm still trying to picture the music that would serve Vs. 1 AND Vs3., Vs. 2 AND Vs. 4. Seems like a tough match-up, but maybe you've already done it.
I like verse 1 alot. I'm definitely interested after the first two lines.... I want to find out where this is going.
I find verse 2 very captivating, too... The pairings are nice and the thoughts are intriguing.
Frankly, I'm lost on the chorus.  I'm not sure there's enough info there to make the connection between the lines, at least for me.
Here's where I thought you were headed up to that point... it sounds like an obsessive relationship between a (let's say) man who is unfaithful and dominated by the woman. He's confessing, begging forgiveness, and drawing her back into the relationship all at the same time.
But, on the chorus, I get the impression that everything's already happened, that the woman is cold and insincere. Now, either I took a HUGE left turn (which is the most likely situation), or the lyric did, or I'm missing the connection between the verses and the chorus.
Just from looking at it, too, I'd say verse 1 and 2 are really a long single verse to be matched up against a verse 2 that is verse 3 and 4 combined. In my mind, a verse implies, for the most part, that the same music will be used for each verse. I can't picture any music that would fit verse 1 and 2. Just a thought.
The "I could do nothing" seems weak at the end of the verse. But, then again, maybe I'm just missing what the whole song is about.
Curious to see what other feedback you get on this one. It's a strange feeling to be totally lost on a song, and I'm just off the tracks entirely when I hit the chorus. 
-- James |
Subject: Re:A new/old one one- feel free to rip apart!
Posted by: @sh |
James
Cheers for the feedback, and i see where you are coming from.
I kept the story as vague as possible, its something that i do. I like to leave open ended scenarios for a listener. Tune wise, this started as a solo effort with a moody Dminor thing happening. But my band now, tend to make a habit of singing all the bitter lyrics sweetly and vice-versa! now, its in a bit more upbeat with slide guitar, rythym guitar, drums and bass.
Chorus wise. I have (until my last few songs this weekend) had enormous trouble with chorus'. I always try to hard to find a melody in the lyrics, as oppose to fitting the lyrics around a memorable melody. The chorus, im happy to delete on this one and start again---any help would be wonderful!
The song was about an arguament in the small hours, and was a beg for forgiveness met with a mixture of pity, anger, frustration and depair!
Dont worry, the lyric took the left turn, not you!
Please any help with the chorus would be great, I have had this burning since 2000, and if i cant get it right now, i will drop it to B-side material!
cheers again
@sh |
Subject: Re:A new/old one one- feel free to rip apart!
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
Hi, Ash. Well, I'd say that the tone of the two verses suggests an obsessive relationship of some kind, and the last line of each verse leads me to expect to hear exactly WHAT the danger is that you're slipping into.
It seems like it would work better if you could focus on one thought in the chorus that sums up the strange push-me/pull-you kind of relationship described in the verses.
One thing I found when writing about a real event in my life was that I was trying to include all the different aspects of the feelings I had towards this one person. It made for an accurate story, but not a good story.
I think we have to be willing to drop out some of the contrary ideas that real life generates, pick a theme, and focus on that in order to make a good song. It's interesting, but I think what makes a good song is often far from an accurate depiction of the events -- and somehow it still re-creates the overall "feeling" of the event perfectly. It's not accurate, but it's true. 
So, where I'd go with this is describing the danger in the relationship -- what is the narrator afraid of? What danger lurks there for him/her? And why does he slip back into it in spite of his fear? I think the last question is the most important.
Hope that helps.
-- James |
Subject: Re:A new/old one one- feel free to rip apart!
Posted by: @sh |
James,
Cheers more!
I dug out the guitar and went for a new chorus, one expanding the story.
how does this one flow?
V2
Tell me everything that you hate about me
I'll tell you everything I can change
Tell me everything that you love about me
As we slip into the danger
Chorusy thing
You'll regret listening to my plea
And I'll forget what i promised
Either way its self abuse
Its easier with nothing to lose
We've only got each other for now
And Small Hour blues.
instrumental break
instrumental lasts a while, the lyrics are there to feel like a build to a chorus that never comes.
Its a little rushed, but after a good smoke, its all i could come up with!!!!!
Please feel free to add your own ideas again. You're a star with the words of advice!
cheers again
@sh |
Subject: Re:A new/old one one- feel free to rip apart!
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
Ash, I agree with James that verses 1 & 2 both have merit but don't seem to go together (as far as the structure)
I'd like to see a second verse that is set up more like the first.
Then possibly use the second verse as the basis for your chorus.
For verse 3 I'd go back to the v1 structure of short line, long line. Something like:
I missed a chance
But I never deserved the break
I stumbled for words
And failed to send the message
Back to v2 as chorus, here's a thought...
You tell me everything, that you hate about me
I tell you everything, that we have to lose
You tell me everything, that you love about me
As we slip into these small hour blues
V4 could be changed to around to more closely follow the v1 structure also...
Talk down to me
Like I'm nothing at all
I look up to you...
Anyway, I hope you get what I'm trying to say. Just looking for a bit more continuity in format. I also notice that you have little rhyming, which can work with the right music and performance, but will annoy the hell out of some people on lyric boards.
Tom
|
Subject: Re:A new/old one one- feel free to rip apart!
Posted by: @sh |
Tom, Cheers for the advice.
Im actually quite interested with the Verse two as a chorus thing. Im working on that today with the band. Im gradually sensing that we might be able to make something of this!
As for Rhyming, I know it annoys people, hense why i do it! lol!!! Really though, thats just my style, very unpredictable twists and turns!
The remake of the last two verses is very helpful as well, i think i'll post a re-write very soon.
Cheers for that
@sh |
Subject: Re:A new/old one one- feel free to rip apart!
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
How you're still working on this one, because it keeps coming back to me. I think it's the contrasting lines, opposing thoughts that form the message.
This occured to me today, don't know for sure if it'll fit in there anywhere, but it seems you're still short of verses so maybe....
I'll clean up my act
You'll still treat me like I'm dirt
Maybe, maybe not, but it wouldn't leave me alone.
Tom |
Subject: Re:A new/old one one- feel free to rip apart!
Posted by: @sh |
Hey Tom,
I like the idea of the two lines you just sacrificed there!!!
im unsure of using the word act, although i like it a lot!
i started well, then dried up, but im looking to put the new version of it up around and about wednesday!!!
cheers for the help!
@sh
|
|
