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Version 2 Now for rewrite #3 |
Hi there, Kenna. Wow -- nice instrumental by Mr. Price, but tough to fit lyrics to. The arrangement's very nice! However, the range of the melody alone is a challenge for the human voice, unless parts of it will be dropped an octave or you have some 80's tenor-type to sing the line.  Those are always candidates for a drop and re-write, in my opinion. |
| thank you for such a great critique..I will be posting a rewrite on this soon. This is a second draft here, the third is coming along nicely. You are absolutely right, writing to existing music is really HARD to do.... getting the nuances right is especially difficult. Butch makes it easy for me by providing such great melodies to work with. I usually do music, so this kind of cowrite is especially appealing to me. (because I am limited to just me and acoustic guitar - thats all I play). This song is going to be tricky. We are definitely going to lower the key a step or two, and I have to sing falsetto in a couple of places to make it happen... As for my other songs, Wailing Train was a cowrite with Conner Smith. He wrote the lyrics, I did the music. That was my first recording on a 4 track by my lonesome... I did the entire recording, all parts, singing and guitar, two tracks of each and the mix. There were no effects applied to that recording. I had fun doing it, and it ended up being on a compilation CD to bat. I also have a singer in Washington DC that wants to put it on her debut CD. So, it was a good cowrite for me. It did well, and still is, on my besonic site. I would say 90 percent of the songs I've written in the last year have been cowrites. I think two heads are better than one, and usually if someone I respect as a writer and I agree on something, its usually pretty successful... At least, so far, all of mine have been. I look forward to doing all kinds of projects in the future. I hope to broaden my horizons here at the Freedom Exchange. I think there is a great amount of talent here and am looking forward to working with folks who would be interested in working with me.  |
| > here's a rewrite...BETTER? I'd change it to "heard in". ] it has one of those easily misunderstood word combinations "the dark is part" could be heard as "the darkest part". They both "sing" the same, if you know what I mean. Being a visual person, I always have to sing lyrics to myself to catch these. I find them all over the place in my stuff. May not be enough to kill the line, but something to consider when recording it.Definitely good work on the re-write. Bravo! |
| thanks again, James. I am beginning to understand what is wrong with this. I want to make this song the BEST it can be, so hard critique is exactly what I am looking for. one of these trys, I'm gonna get this lyric right.... song  |
| my cowriter and I keep sending lyrics back and forth. One of these times, we will get something that sticks... I will post the next one tomorrow. Can't wait to really put this song down digitally... song |
| LOL I certainly understand. A co-writer and I went back and forth about one simple line for over 3 months! We finally set the whole song aside for a year before we could work out the line. It turned out that it really needed to be two lines, which turned verse 3 into a bridge. Suddenly everything fell into place. But, oh, do I remember those endless online chats about "Well, what if it was..." Who would think you could have such attention and effort spent on 12 syllables. -- James |
| Hey, Songstress! I have to bug you, I can't help myself... I've been waiting semi-patiently to see the re-write on this for, oh, two weeks now. Please, don't leave me in suspense! Any progress on this song (I hope, I hope) ? -- James |
| Hey JamesB Thanks for reminding me that I needed to do this. The 3rd rewrite still needs work, but it gets closer every time. I put it down cause it was just getting too annoying not being able to finish it. I started working on another project in the mean time. I have a few going right now, actually, a few too many. I am overwhelmed! Hoping I can catch up with it all soon. Let me know if I am going further out in left field here ok? song  |
| Hi, Kenna. The chronology's hanging together much better on this re-write, aside from the last chorus. There are still some areas to de-kink, IMO. Verse 1 ------- I like the new opening -- sets up the theme solidly, and also gives timeline info -- they're young in the first verse. The second half of verse one seems a little weak. I don't think that "what's the risk?" is a valid retort to the accusation that they're too young. There IS a risk, because only time will tell; without that fact, your premise falls apart. Seems to me a better reply would be something like: "Who's to say / only age / can make a person sure?" Something that says, "OK, we're young, but it doesn't mean we're not up to this commitment." (as a side note: I connect with this song -- I met my (someday-to-be) wife when we were 13 and I was sure she was *IT* for me -- of course, it took 8 more years to convince her of that. )Chorus: ------- You must like the "of Faith, Hope and Love" line. It keeps showing up. I still don't think it fits -- -- too much information in a short space. The "Til we share our dreams" seems a little vague and redundant. I think you could use some more connection of the thoughts in the chorus. Here's an example (not necessarily too good) of a way that you could connect the flow better in the chorus:Time will tell What [] dreams are made of <-- fits existing melody Pure fantasy <-- replacement Or perfect love We could fly Forevermore Through an endless sky <-- replacement, or Til we live (the/our) dream <--- alternate replacement We won't know for sure Time will tell The idea I was trying for here is to underline the "ephemeral/solid" nature of the conflict -- is this just a pipedream (our love) or something more grounded? This seems to be the key theme of the song. Outsiders are saying that this won't last, and the couple involved is sure that it will. The other replacement carries the string of "We could fly forevermore" one phrase further -- gives a little more depth to the image and underlines the "We won't know for sure". (Not too happy with "endless sky" -- pretty hackneyed -- but it's ok for discussion purposes). The second replacement gives you a good lead-in to the final lines of the chorus and gets over the problem of "share our dreams". I think you can share dreams in one conversation, but it takes time to live a dream. Verse 2 ------- I like verse 2's start, but the second half seems weak (it's those dang second halves every time, isn't it? I struggle with the same thing. Nothing more bothersome than a great first half.) The "own/grown/known" is a bit too much, I think. Personally, I liked version 2's second verse much better -- more power to it. And it's more realistic -- here's this young couple diving into something, committing to something they can't possibly foresee, hitting the rough spots, and coming through. So my vote's for version 2's second verse. Bridge ------ You've hit a pet peeve of mine - the use of "so" as a filler word ("and heard so clear"). How "so" is "so"? It's really a non-word unless it's followed up with a "so clear that..." It seems like something that contrasts the "listened to our hearts" would be good. "We listened to our hearts / and not our fears" is a quickie replacement. Just a thought. Final Chorus: "Time still tells" -- whew, what a mouthful at the rate this melody moves. How about "Time can tell"? Keeps roughly the same idea and doesn't make the mouth work so hard. I think the "Time Will Tell" would be just as valid here, btw. It says, "Yes... Time WILL Tell and we have the years to prove it". Not sure why they're still young in the final chorus. Is this being written for some occasion where the object of the song might not want to be characterized as older? Just wondering. It doesn't seem to fit the passage of time in the bridge ("We've stood the test of time /Through all these years") to have them young in the end. After all, time has to pass for the story to be resolved. Of course, relating to this song the way I do, I might want them just a *little* older to match my own circumstances (about to celebrate our 25th), so take it with a grain of salt. Anyway, more ramblings from James.... I'm sure I've hit my disk storage quota for the month on Freedom Exchange. Hope that helps! -- James |
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