Subject: To The Day
Posted by: tph801 |
This is one I wrote a while ago. It's
a slow (little bluesy) tune. Any
constructive advice? I have an old mix on MP3 if
anyone wants to hear it. may be mispelled words.
It's copyrighted, just in case......
V1
Watching her shadow
toss & turn on my wall
cause she can't sleep easy
I can't sleep at all
as I stare out my window
to the street down below
it's cold and it's empty
and the night passes slow
(Chorus)
Here in the dark I know we've lost
words we no longer say
now I'm folding a hand that can't win
and watching the night (echo) watching the night
watching the night lose to the day
v2
We used to cling to each other
as darkness would fall
and the night passed so quickly
but now it just seems to crawl
and it crawls through this silence
of words no longer said
and it crawls past that shadow
of her in my bed
(Chorus)
(bridge)
You won't get em back no
you just watch em fade away
your gonna miss em oh yea
your gonna miss em some day
v3
We used to walk that street together Do you remember
aah hand in hand in the dark
now that streets cold and empty baby
ain't it just like your heart
ain't just like mine too now
Darling I know the deal
that streets been deserted
I know just how it feels
(Chorus)
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Subject: Re:To The Day
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
I think verse 1 is just great.... really draws me in. "Cause she can't sleep easy / I can't sleep at all" is really interesting! It makes me want to find out what all the tension's about.
The chorus seems to come early in the story and is not nearly as strong as verse 1, IMO. Not sure what the "folding the hand that can't win" is doing in the chorus... doesn't line up with other imagery. I do like the "watching the night lose to the day".... I'm wondering if it might be strengthened with an image of "light of day" as in "reality check"... something like "watching the night lose to the light of day". Could be overworn -- feel free to ignore.
Verse 2 is also really nice -- it starts out a little plain, but the "and it crawls through this silence" just draws me right back in -- nicely done! I can't think of any constructive suggestions, but if there were a way to punch up "as darkness would fall" it would be nice... something less fact-reporting.. I can tell you've got limited syllables right there to fit it in. Wish I could think of something to spark some thoughts. After seeing the second verse, the second half of the chorus really does seem like a weaker re-hashing of the stronger lines in verse 2. Makes me want even more to see another chorus to match these verses.
Verse 3 is good, doesn't quite pull on me like the others. I'm not sure where the guy stands -- I get mixed messages. Sounds like he's taking responsibility with "Ain't it just like mine too", then playing victim in "I know just how it feels".... One odd approach might be to say, "We know just how it feels" to let him acknowledge that they're both in the same boat.
Overall, just really nice to read. Very tragic, very human, no fakiness or BS... just a solid telling of a tough situation. Thanks for sharing this!
-- James
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Subject: Re:To The Day
Posted by: tph801 |
Quote from: jamesbmitchell on June 21, 2002, 06:21 PM
I think verse 1 is just great.... really draws me in. "Cause she can't sleep easy / I can't sleep at all" is really interesting! It makes me want to find out what all the tension's about.
The chorus seems to come early in the story and is not nearly as strong as verse 1, IMO. Not sure what the "folding the hand that can't win" is doing in the chorus... doesn't line up with other imagery. I do like the "watching the night lose to the day".... I'm wondering if it might be strengthened with an image of "light of day" as in "reality check"... something like "watching the night lose to the light of day". Could be overworn -- feel free to ignore.
Verse 2 is also really nice -- it starts out a little plain, but the "and it crawls through this silence" just draws me right back in -- nicely done! I can't think of any constructive suggestions, but if there were a way to punch up "as darkness would fall" it would be nice... something less fact-reporting.. I can tell you've got limited syllables right there to fit it in. Wish I could think of something to spark some thoughts. After seeing the second verse, the second half of the chorus really does seem like a weaker re-hashing of the stronger lines in verse 2. Makes me want even more to see another chorus to match these verses.
Verse 3 is good, doesn't quite pull on me like the others. I'm not sure where the guy stands -- I get mixed messages. Sounds like he's taking responsibility with "Ain't it just like mine too", then playing victim in "I know just how it feels".... One odd approach might be to say, "We know just how it feels" to let him acknowledge that they're both in the same boat.
Overall, just really nice to read. Very tragic, very human, no fakiness or BS... just a solid telling of a tough situation. Thanks for sharing this!
-- James
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James
I really appreciate you taking a serious look at these lyrics. Thanks. The chorus does come early because of the structure of the music. You are right it does seem weeker than v1, but I was hoping by the end of the song it would be a good thematic summary. The "folding the hand.." and "losing to the day" and "I know the deal", these lines were intentional because I was juxtaposing Love to gambling.
Of course, I was in a different place back when I wrote this, but my idea was that love is like playing cards; you place your bet and take your chances. This is why all the gambling reference are in there. I agree about v2 starting plain. I am not really happy with the "cling to each other" it sounds simple. With v3 and the mixed message, I was trying to convey the fact that they are both losing something. Neither part wins in the gamble, or, love doesn't win in the story. Maybe the "I know just how it feels" should be changed to a line that would include both losing parties (i.e. Don't we both know how this feels?"
You have giving me good input worth considering. Thanks again
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