Subject: Make Time
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
Have to start somewhere. I tend to write story songs, soemtimes with messages and sometimes jsut to tell the story running around my head. Here's an "father learns from the son" message for everyone.
Make Time
(c)2001 Tom Ward
There’s a man who makes his way, shuffling slowly down my street
He isn’t mean or dirty, but not one you’d stop to greet
He’s waving at the traffic as the cars go by so fast
Just wandering through this world, a man whose time has passed
Let’s make time for the lonely hearted
Time for those who stand alone
Make time for the vets who fought our wars
Time for the ones you love, time before they’re gone
Strolling down the avenue, my nine year old in tow
We pass a man with one leg, a tin cup, his head held low
I casually drop some change and pay the man no mind
My son says, "Dad that man’s a soldier, can’t we do more this time?"
I turn to answer Danny and find him, to my surprise
On his knees with a sandwich, from the backpack at his side
I look at him with pride and try to hide my shame
The old man thanks my boy and for a while forgets his pain
Let’s make time for the frail and aged
Those who’ve forgotten who they are
Share a day with a past generation
The ones who helped us get this far
Let’s make time for the lonely hearted
Time for those who stand alone
Make time for the vets who fought our wars
Time for the ones you love, time before they’re gone
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Subject: Re:Make Time
Posted by: Jt |
Hi Tom,
Welcome to the Freedom Exchange. This board been a little slow lately, but keep posting (and please add your critiques - the general rule-of-thumb on this and other lyric critiquing boards is to post a few critiques for every song you post... From what I've read, I can see you're very well qualified to add your two cents to the lyrics here.) The board will pick up. And I'm sorry I haven't responded to this sooner...
So, onto "Make Time"... and remember, any comments are just MHO, and you can take 'em or leave 'em - all meant to be constructive. I love "story" songs. Your lyric on the SubT MP3, that Kenna sang so well, were excellent. This one has its moments... but its bordering (IMO) on being just a bit sappy....
A nine year old being perceptive enough to realize that the man's a veteran soldier, and the Dad isn't doing enough for him. Not realistic from my experience (and "story songs" need to be realistic) I guess the whole father/son juxtaposition didn't quite work for me.... yet. You can make it work - just don't be quite so obvious about it.
You're also mixing, a bit, the concept of finally recognizing our Vets (primarily Vietnam Vets, I think) and just aging folk in general (that confusing alternate chorus or bridge before the final chorus ...) Which leads me to say that if that "lonely hearted" part is meant to be a bridge, it should be structurely different than the chorus. I'm not entirely sure of the structure of the song.
If you have music in mind for this, I hate to quabble about meter. There are some minor difficulties that I hear in my head as I read it... but they would be easy to work around. I'll go into more detail if you're interested.
Ok, enough for the negative (constructive, I hope) comments. Overall, this is very good. You show a fine sense of rhyme in storytelling - which I find very rare in the lyrics I've read on these boards. And a good sense of meter, too (though, if you don't do music, you may need to refine a bit... if only for your collaboration partner's sake ;-)
Good work on this Tom. Please keep coming back, posting your work, and adding your thoughts to our work. Its a great community. And, every so often, one of these lyrics ends up in a collab on the Freedom Exchange! Too cool!
John
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Subject: Re:Make Time
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
JT, thanks for the read and suggestions/comments. useful ones at that.
The reason I posted this one first is that I've gotten mixed responses on another board. A couple of readers said it touched them, others we more concerned with the sappiness level, always a risk with this type of song.
I've been tempted a couple of times to redo the first verse to better lead into the father/son story. As it is I have to leave some things to the imagination. (Which cna be dangerous) In this case isn't overly perceptive, I just had an image of the man in fatigues (or more simply with a sign) as we've all seen in real life. Probably too much left out though.
Good point on the bridge/chorus.
With the meter and phrasing I get as close as I can since I'm not a musician. I realize that a singer may have to rearrange things just a bit to make it fit. Then again I've seen lines on paper that looked way off meter-wise only to hear a singer pull it off beautifully.
I'll be checking fairly regularly and reading and hopefully helping other writers. It's almost as much fun to help someone
else through a difficult line as it is to write one yourself.
Thanks again.
Tom |
Subject: Re:Make Time
Posted by: chadg |
hey Tom,
this flowed very well - no problems there at all. I'm not as fond of a preachy chorus though. I'd love to see a way to sum it up without needing to explain it to us.
Overall, this works pretty well!
regarding writing lyrics only. It's obvious that you don't have trouble with meter, but I wondered if you ever make up your own melodies and sing them (regardless of whether or not you play/sing)?
chad
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Subject: Re:Make Time
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
Thanks for the read Chad.
Funny, but the chorus was even MORE preachy in its first version. I know what you mean, but I'm not sure what to do with it yet.
Yes, sometimes I do get a melody in my head. I have a few songs where I can hear a nearly full production in my head. Often as not though I just get a generic pace to see if the meter fits. |
Subject: Re:Make Time
Posted by: tph801 |
Hi Tom
This is a good story telling song. I really like the line
"just wandering through this world, a man whose time has passed"
The room for improvement comment:Is the chorus too wordy? I am having trouble getting it to flow smooth in my mind.
really good story though. the son picking up on a need to help more than the father is believable for me. I have seen children be much more perceptive than adults on more than one occassion. Great job. 
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