Subject: "The Calm Of Night"
Posted by: jwitheriterieg |
Folks, I'm new here, and I'm looking for some constructive criticism for things I've written. Anyways, here's my first contribution to the board. It's entitled "The Calm Of Night", and is mostly a progressive jazz tune with vocals thrown about. Below are the lyrics.
The harbour is silent in the darkness
Across the Hudson, Brooklyn lies in peace
Amid the height of the City
Rests the calm of night
The traffic beneath me isn't noticed
Away in Jersey, the evening winds down
Within the urban setting
Stands serenity
Tomorrow awaits the commotion
Throughout Manhattan, the chaos comes back
But for a while in the City
Was the calm of night |
Subject: Re:"The Calm Of Night"
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
WARNING: I'm a "blabber". I like to look at each line and see how it fits with the rest. Some people think I'm too detail-minded on lyrics, so PLEASE - if you're just looking for general feedback -- skip all the rest and know that I think your lyric is very evocative and definitely draws me in to the scene. That said, here comes the blab.
I write stage music, so it's good to know my bias before going too far. I think it always helps to know the filter that each reviewer is unconsciously applying to the words. Alot of the time my personal preference would make a song more stagey, but less pop or rock or Jazz, or whatever the person's shooting for. So please keep that in mind.
I like the overall "feel" of the words. I understand it's to a jazz setting, which, in my opinion, means that the music is probably more important than the words (being a lyricist, it grates to say it, but I think it's usually true.) There are some really nice phrases, and others that sort of jump out at me -- some "good" jumps, and some clunky jumps. I'll go through it line by line:
>The harbour is silent in the darkness
>Across the Hudson, Brooklyn lies in peace
I like the scene set up in the two lines above; very visual, which is my favorite kind of scene-setting. If "is" is not on a weak point in the phrase musically, I'd shift it to a contraction (the harbour's silent).
>Amid the height of the City
Hmm... for me, "height" is a conceptual word that drags me out of the visual into the "word processing" realm. "Heights" would stick out less for me, but still switches out of "photo mode" for me. "Towers" might be a risky word to use here post-September 11th, but then again it might have more charge and connection that way. You might consider it.
I'm a nitpicker, so take it all with a truckload of salt. The second word I'd focus on in this line is "Amid" -- it seems like the rest of the song places you on top of one of the high buildings. "Amid" brings to mind a picture of fog wrapped around the lower parts of the building, not something above the or at the top of the buildings. Depends on what you want to paint.
>Rests the calm of night
Nice five words -- I love simple phrases with one-syllable words that sound like poetry; this is one of them. :^)
>The traffic beneath me isn't noticed
Hmm... I think "isn't" is a tricky word here, at least for me. I'd go for an action phrase, i.e., "...beneath me goes unnoticed".
Away in Jersey, the evening winds down
Wondering how you know this from atop a building in the city. I've never been to New York (which I'm guessing is the setting here), so I may just be ignorant on this, but it seems like this is a conclusion rather than an observation. The rest of the song seems like one long observation (no plot, no personal disclosure, just a sweet word-painting of a moment), so this sticks out to me. I'd expect something more visual again -- "Away in Jersey, the lights wink out". (Well, "wink" is probably stupid, but it gives you the idea.) 
>Within the urban setting
I like the "s-s-s" of "setting-stands-serenity", but I wonder about setting... it's another conceptual word, and a low-content word at that. Something that describes the urban setting would be stronger here, I think -- "urban jungle" is a cliche, but a non-cliche word like it might work.
>Stands serenity
I'm a symmetry guy, so I'd like to see something with "calm of night" here again, instead of "stands serenity", even though the phrase rolls nicely off the tongue.
>Tomorrow awaits the commotion
Hmm.. how does tomorrow await something? Also not as visual for me. Maybe something like "on the horizon, the day's commotion". That would let me know that night (and its silence) are slipping away.
>Throughout Manhattan, the chaos comes back
"Throughout Manhattan" changes focus again for me, now the camera's panning around, I've lost the stillness... I'd like to see something referring to it happening down below you.
Also, "comes" could be replaced with a stronger word that creates an image of how you see chaos coming back -- "creeps, steals, crawls", etc.
>But for a while in the City
"a while" seems vague and un-dramatic, but it might sound great with music. I can tell that you've got some sort of musical constraint here -- each corresponding line in each verse has this 7-syllable pattern. I'd look for something to replace "a while" with, though -- "a moment" doesn't fit the pattern but it seems to fit the tone of the piece better.
>Was the calm of night
Urgh... personal preference again, but I think "is" and "was" can almost always be replaced with stronger words in a restricted-syllable setting like you have here. Any action word would be better, IMO.
Hope that helps! I'd love to hear the music to this. Lots of times I've found that the music makes the lyric make better sense. So, feel free to ignore any and all comments. :^)
-- James
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Subject: Re:"The Calm Of Night"
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
jw, this has a nice feel to it, but I'd like to nitpick the first part.
Are you from the NY area? I grew up in NJ right across the Hudson from NYC. We'd never think of Brooklyn being across the Hudson. Since you mention Jersey, I'm looking at it from that point of view.
Also since you mention being "amid the height of the city" it would seem to me that Manhattan should be the setting.
Would it fit your music to do it this way?
The harbour is silent in the darkness
Across the Hudson, Manhattan lies in peace
Amid the height of the City
Rests the calm of night
Maybe a small thing to non-NYers.
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Subject: Re:"The Calm Of Night"
Posted by: jwitheriterieg |
| Tom, I'm from western PA, but I do try to make it to NY at least every year. I was viewing things from a high point in Manhattan, seeing Brooklyn on the east and Jersey to the west. I would appreciate it if you would inform me of the name of the waterway to Manhattan's east. If it's two syllables with the emphasis on the first, I'll keep it |
Subject: Re:"The Calm Of Night"
Posted by: Tom_Ward |
Sorry, jw but NY let you down. It's the East River. Can't get more boring than that.
How about:
"Across the Bridge, Brooklyn lies in peace"
People will instantly get the picture of the Brooklyn Bridge in their minds. Also, I personally like a little alliteration to help a lyric flow.
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Subject: Re:"The Calm Of Night"
Posted by: jwitheriterieg |
Tom,
Thanks a lot. Doesn't fit my previous metre, but I'll find a way for it to work.
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