Subject: An exercise in minimalist lryic writing. Critique?
Posted by: Kevin |
Gang,
This is an attempt to chronicle my impressions of 9-11 with a very limited amount of words per line.
Movable Shapes (Impressions of 9-11)
Lyrics & Music by Kevin Wallis
Copyright Kevin Wallis 2002
All Rights Reserved
Genre: Progressive Rock
V1:
Angry in mind
Violent in deed
Satisfy twisted
Religious need
Spectacle shared
Horrific end
Message of hate
Terror they send
Lost & gone & far away
Justice on your judgment day……… Pray
V2:
Victim in flight
Contorted face
Crushed in the stone
Falling though space
Led to the light
Spirit escapes
Dancing with angelic
Movable shapes
Lost & gone & far away
We will meet again some day……… Pray
V3:
Heroes appear
Nations unite
Righteous in fury
Deadly in flight
Draw final breath
Punishment waits
Dancing with demonic
Movable shapes
Lost & gone & and far away
Peace will come again some day……...Pray
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Subject: Re: An exercise in minimalist lryic writing. Criti
Posted by: Big_D |
Very cool Kevin. It's interesting all the approaches that can be taken regarding that event. I think you'll sing it great also. I was thinking last night that your voice, as I heard it on Sub 8 would have sounded good on my song. How many folks here do you think have or are writng on this experience. It would make an interesting Sub T project to have all submissions pertain to the issue of 9-11.
Lost, gone, and far away
The problem with just reading the lyric is that it only gives half the info. As I've put it above reads grammatically so I would assume the additional "ands" make if flow better with the music.
Justice on your judgment day
We will meet again some day
Peace will come again some day
From very tight minimalist verses with great originality the final lines go into what have been often stated, generic sentiments which certainly works which is why they're frequently used but they do butt up against the rest of your lyrics.
I would like to hear it when it's done. Maybe on some future "SubT: 9-11"
Unfortunately, 9-11 is my birthday. It has gone from a relatively obscure calendar date, excepting the aforemention of course vbg, to what we all know it be now. I'm almost afraid to go an celebrate my birthday in the future. Can't you see it, you walk in a bar on 9-11, whooping it up and raising hell (as much as you can at 53) and someone comes up and says "what are you so geeked up about?" The reply would be "celebratin' a great day man"
That's a way to end up in jail on your birthday. |
Subject: Re: An exercise in minimalist lryic writing. Criti
Posted by: Kevin |
Quote:From very tight minimalist verses with great originality the final lines go into what have been often stated, generic sentiments which certainly works which is why they're frequently used but they do butt up against the rest of your lyrics.
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Your absolutley right. They suck compared to the other verses. I'll work on it this week and see what I come up with.
And yes the "ands" made it fit the flow.
A Sub-T 9-11 is a great Idea. I'll post on the other board and see what the others think. I'll put the package together.
Oh yeah, if you want I'll do the vocals for yours no prob.
Sorry about your birthday woes. Whoop it up anyway!
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Subject: Re: An exercise in minimalist lryic writing. Criti
Posted by: old_dan |
Hey Kev, sorry meant to get to this sooner 
I agree with Doug, the
Justice on your judgment day
We will meet again some day
Peace will come again some day
lines don't fit. The rest is nice and tight. My favorite kind of writing.
Verse 1 works very well for me. 2 & 3 tho are a little confusing. Verse 2 seems to be about the terrorists and 3 about the victims and our response. I read it this way
V2:
Victim in flight
Contorted face
Crushed in the stone
Falling though space
Draw final breath
Punishment waits
Dancing with demonic
Movable shapes
V3:
Heroes appear
Nations unite
Righteous in fury
Deadly in flight
Led to the light
Spirit escapes
Dancing with angelic
Movable shapes
Make sense to you? |
Subject: Re: An exercise in minimalist lryic writing. Criti
Posted by: AkikA |
I like messing around with lyrics.It helps me learn.
I haven't heard this song and the story behind it and it's kind of difficult to judge lyrics alone. He who has the wound feels the pain so forgive me if in my messing with your lyrics ,I attempted to change that feeling. Just let me have fun in my learning. Iwas told that's the best way to learn.
Excuse me while I f**k around (BTW...title of one of my songs) with attemps to rhyme...hope I'm not killing your stuff.
V1:
Angry in mind
Violent in deed
Satisfy twisted
Religious need
Spectacle FATE/ACT....(going for rhyme).
Horrific end
Message of hate
Terror they send
Lost & gone & far away
Justice on your judgment day……… Pray
V2:
Victim in PAIN.....(again for rhyme)
Contorted face
Crushed in the stone
Falling though space
Led to the light
The SOUL escapes
Dancing SPIRIT
Movable shapes
Lost & gone & far away
We will meet again some day……… Pray
V3:
Heroes appear
Nations unite
(THE) Righteous SWEAR
Deadly in flight
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Subject: Re: An exercise in minimalist lryic writing. Criti
Posted by: Steve_Biederman |
Hi Kevin,
Pretty good economy of words here. I'll make no other judgement nitpick-wise without hearing it in the context of a finished production. Good job. I enjoyed it.
Little Stevie B. |
Subject: Re: An exercise in minimalist lryic writing. Criti
Posted by: MeAgain |
i like this approach..
ideas only, no fluff. very deconstructed and almost abstract. |
Subject: Re: An exercise in minimalist lryic writing. Criti
Posted by: Kevin |
Thanks for the comments folks! I'll be recording this one shortly and will post a link to the results.
Quote:Verse 1 works very well for me. 2 & 3 tho are a little confusing. Verse 2 seems to be about the terrorists and 3 about the victims and our response. I read it this way
V2:
Victim in flight
Contorted face
Crushed in the stone
Falling though space
Draw final breath
Punishment waits
Dancing with demonic
Movable shapes
V3:
Heroes appear
Nations unite
Righteous in fury
Deadly in flight
Led to the light
Spirit escapes
Dancing with angelic
Movable shapes
Make sense to you?
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Dan you have it backwards from what I was trying to convey.
The first part of v2 is about the victims and what happens to them after death. Victim in flight were the people on the planes. Contorted face was what I imangined thier terror would look like. Crushed in the stone was the people who dies in the buildings. Falling through space, those that jumped. These innocents were led to the light and dance with angels.
V3 is our military response and what we to to the terrorists. They end up dancing with demons......... Get it?
I'm still working on the lost & gone & far away part........
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Subject: Re: An exercise in minimalist lryic writing. Criti
Posted by: old_dan |
ok, got it. difference in perspective. I saw the 'contorted face' as an angry faced terrorist. Here's an idea for you.
Victim in flight
victor in grace
nah, never mind. sounds like a liturgy in the Cathlolic church. maybe
Victim in flight
victorious grace
now there's a mouthful. Try singing that without a de-esser. Sorry, I'm getting tired and have about 2 or 3 hours of stuff to do fore I can go to bed. :'(
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