Subject: three more of my songs, please criticize
Posted by: FreeBird |
three of my newest songs! written all last night, to finish up the notebook that's lasted me since January! 2 notebooks down, a black and a gray...on to TEAL! 
by the way, some or all of these have a little cussing (beeped out for your benefit) and a little sexual implication, so don't read them if you mind that...
(this one is OFFICIALLY weird, after reading it over again...hehe)
Don't Care
I want to run naked through the streets
Just to see how they look at me
Somehow I don't care anymore
Everything that matters I've lost before
I want to cut the label off a pillow
Do you go to jail? I need to know
And I don't care what they do
Nothing will hurt like losing you
I will take a bow to the crowd
For everything I've done to amuse them
If I lose them it's not my fault
Cause I'm acting like a person I'm not
I want to dive into the shallow end
To see if I can hurt my head again
You know I don't care anyway
You already made me crazy in a way
I want to play with a loaded gun
So I look like a fool to everyone
Cause I don't care if I shoot myself
Anything's better than a living hell
I will scrape my knee just to please
Do everything I can to amuse them
If I lose them it's not what I want
I'm just acting like a person I'm not
I want to
Forget that I'm shy
I want to
Run but not hide
I want to
Not care at all
I want to
Live and not crawl
And I don't care
Dare me to do anything anywhere
Cause I don't care
Without you there's nothing important there
I will take a bow to the crowd
For everything I've done to amuse them
Strip, I don't care if I'm caught
They'll just imprison the person I'm not
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Whisper To Myself
Oh sh*t, I need a shower
Cause I'm not clean
Dirtied with the guilt
Of the worthless dreams
Second word, haven't heard
She still mad at me?
Wait a sec, I forget
She's never been that mean...
Oh sh*t, I need a mint
Cause my mouth tastes bad
Wouldn't want to french
With the breath I have
First idea, came to me
How bout something else?
No wait, didn't say that
Just a whisper to myself
See, I've changed
Only thing the same
Is my d*mn cute name
I'm not myself
Not someone else
We're alone now, of course
I'm so dirty
So unworthy
But you are so pretty
See, I've changed
Only thing the same
Is my love and my pain
They come back again
Love you then
Till the end
Oh sh*t, I need a seatbelt
Before I lunge at you
Sorry bout that, controlling myself
Is something I cannot do
First idea, came to me
How bout something else?
No wait, didn't say that
Just a whisper to myself
A dirty little whisper to myself
I want you like nobody else
Whisper to myself
Whisper to myself
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Messing With My Head
I wish I was just like a cat
Innocence, sureness, nothing but that
Too many thoughts in my head
Of things I never should've said
Things I should've done in bed
Instead of taking a chance when I got one
Lucky me, this verse is done
Tries, lies, so many sighs
Out of my eyes that will not dry
Tears fall but is that all
Also my heart that stood so tall
Something's the matter in my chest
Emptiness, lost my sense, forget the rest
Too many futures right for me
Can't live em all unfortunately
Gotta choose the one that's best for me
I know I messed up last time I thought this
Lucky me, I shot and missed
Tries, lies, so many sighs
Out of my eyes that will not dry
Tears fall but is that all
Also my heart that stood so tall
Tries, lies, so many sighs
Out of my eyes that will not dry
Tears fall but is that all
Also my heart that stood so tall
Innocence is something I'll miss
Kinda like a first kiss
Opportunity f*cked with me
Kinda like a wet dream
Loneliness when I'm at rest
When I'm sexy undressed
Self-control, none I know
Gotta grow up, I gotta grow up
Forget what I said
It's messing with my head
Maybe I was wrong
It's ok, now I'm gone
Tries, lies, so many sighs
Out of my eyes that will not dry
Tears fall but is that all
Also my heart that stood so tall
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Subject: Re:three more of my songs, please criticize
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
Not sure how to give feedback on 3 songs at the same time, FreeBird. 
There are definitely some beautiful phrases here and there.
If you're just posting to share, then posting 3 songs at once works fine. But if you want specific feedback, I'd suggest posting a single song and asking for feedback on a particular issue. Posting 3 at once that were "written all last night" gives me the impression that you write once and move on. I'm not too inclined to spend much time on feedback if you've spent none on review. In other words, if it's a finished product and not a work in process for you, the only feedback other songwriters can give you is "I like it" or "I don't like it". For these, I guess I'd have to say "I like parts of them".
Just a thought...
-- James
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