Subject: "I did" please critique
Posted by: szewczyk |
this song is about a girl i re-discovered, and my attempt to re-establish a relationship
v1
I did some thinking last night
I know what I've finally found
Its been a year since I have seen you
Things were much better when you were around
v2
Is it wrong if I call you up?
I want to speak to you again
Your number still hangs on my wall
I call you answer I say "hows it been?"
chorus:
why did i ever let you get so far away?
it wasn't my fault you couldn't stay
I know it seems like we've grown far apart
I swear to god I've kept you close to my heart
v3
My actions have no "other cause"
I wanna comeback, I'm done I swear
Will things ever be the same again?
I'm kinda nervous cuz I think you don't care
chorus:
why did i ever let you get so far away?
it wasn't my fault you couldn't stay
I know it seems like we've grown far apart
I swear to god I've kept you close to my heart
bridge/breakdown
I'm tryin to figure out, what I should do about, about these things
I didn't mean your mom, she should of stayed calm, can't she tell it was a joke
I'm tryin to figure out, what I should do about, about these things
I didn't mean your mom, she should of stayed calm, I didn't mean your mom, she should of stayed calm!
chorus:
why did i ever let you get so far away?
it wasn't my fault you couldn't stay
I know it seems like we've grown far apart
I swear to god I've kept you close to my heart
copyright VenBeamer 2001-2002
thanks a lot to those who read and critique
http://www.angelfire.com/myband2/VenBeamer/main.html
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Subject: Re:"I did" please critique
Posted by: chadg |
Hey Beamers,
It's been a while since I viewed your page. I envy you guys. Rock on!
Regarding the lyric. Well it reads like a therapy letter written either for yourself or for this chicks mom (who's reason for being in the lyric is a mystery to me).
This might work as a song - but doesn't really gel as a lyric.
Curious.
Have you guys ever thought about taking a lyric - this one for example - and then pretend you're 'interpreting' them? Maybe not line for line, but verse by verse. How can you say the same thing, but be a little more hip (so to speak - original). Coin your own phrases - be a little eclectic. It's alright - you're artists...you're licensed!
I did some thinking last night (I burned a hole in my pillow)
I know what I've finally found (A sleepless night with one conclusion)
You know BNL's 'Her Life In A Nutshell"?
"When she was three
Her Barbie's always did it on the first date
When she's with me
There's never any need for her to demonstrate"
Think about how boring and long winded that premise could have been if they'd taken the less interesting approach.
Just food for thought...trying to help.
chad
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Subject: Re:"I did" please critique
Posted by: senior |
chad,
thanks a lot, more original lyrics are definetly an aspect of my music that I am trying to improve!
-matt
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