Subject: hey!
Posted by: FreeBird |
i'm new, i'm Jordy, and i'm 15. please criticize my songs freely! also note anything you like...:)
Alone
Here's the deal
The one thing I feel
Is that you should be closer to me
Right next to me preferably
Can't you see
That I do not want to be alone
And I can't make it on my own
The door is closing and I feel I'm frozen
Where is my home? I'm all alone
And the tone from the phone
And your voice alone
Makes me thing that I don't want you to cry
Rub your eyes and try to find
A way to home
Chorus:
Cause I miss you so
It seems yesterday you were here to stay
And now I'm alone
And our love has grown
More than I can say till you went away
And now I'm alone
Something I've found
When you're around
There's nothing but you and the way you move
I do all I can do to prove to you
So you'll see
That I do not want to be alone
And I can't make it on my own
I know I'm growin with you as my chosen
Take me to my home...I'm all alone
And the moan from the phone
Your voice alone
I can't stand if you don't hold my hand
I understand more than I can
About my home
Chorus
And in our home we won't be alone
We'll have grown far beyond
Physical wants and human taunts
And for once I'll dance
With no chance that you'll leave
You and me, I believe
You'll be my home, where I can go
So I'll know I'm not alone
Here's the deal
The one thing I feel
Is that you should be closer to me
Take me home so I'm not alone
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Subject: Re:hey!
Posted by: Jt |
Hi Jordy,
I started writing songs when I was about your age. Its a good mental challenge and a great emotional release - something that can give you much satisfaction if you continue to persue it.
This board is a great place to get started. You posted your first lyric for feedback, so I'm gonna give you some... its just my opinion, and I'm no expert (though I have been doing this for a while) so take what you need and leave the rest.
I think you have a pretty good sense of meter - the lines flow pretty well. But they need to be a bit more organized. You have to get your thoughts together a bit more. Do you want the song to tell a story... or emote an emotion... I didn't get a clear feeling of either here just yet.
Rhyme is good. Rhyme is necessary in a song lyric (usually). But it must be well, and carefully, used. You have been very generous (and sometimes quite clever) in your usage here... but a little can go a long way. A song needs to be, somewhat, conversational. And overuse of rhymes can be detrimental.
Just a few thoughts. I'd really like to see you take another stab at this. Trim it down a bit. Focus it. Lose some of the rhymes, but keep the rhythm. Make me feel something when I read it....
Good work, and good luck. Please keep working and post some more.
Jt
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Subject: Re:hey!
Posted by: FreeBird |
hey man...thanks for the comments. i appreciate it! i need critique...people my age just compliment. lol
first, the song was written in the style of Linkin Park, know them? its supposed to be sorta rap-ish, but more like talking. lotsa rhymes. but you're right, i overdid the rhymes on that one..
i'm gonna go post another one or two, different styles. well, tomorrow, since i'm goin to bed right now. i hope you like them!
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