Subject: Ashley On The Bay - Please Critique
Posted by: Jt |
Ashley On The Bay
John Hagius
Copyright 2002
The water's calm,
The sun comes up.
As I sit here, sipping coffee
From a paper cup.
Breathe the bracing fragrance
Lingering, as a fresh bouquet,
On the morning air
Of Ashley on the Bay.
The turtle dove,
The whipperwill.
Two songbirds, singing softly,
On my windowsill.
Seeing God's creation sparkle
In a grand display...
Of new dayglow, lighting
Ashley on the Bay.
(chorus)
Ashley's a place I need to go to.
Ashley's a place I need to be.
There I find time to travel slow through
There I can find serenity
A leaf of Spring,
A grassy noll.
Soft wind whispering to me sweetly
Calms my troubled soul.
Silent clouds above me, rushing,
Far flung shapes of gray.
Toward horizons, over
Ashley on the bay.
(repeat chorus)
The still of dusk,
The evening star
As night gathers all around,
I look... and there you are.
Shining brighter than the moon
Perhaps you'll stay...
And tomorrow we'll share
Ashley on the Bay.
(repeat chorus)
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Subject: Re:Ashley On The Bay - Please Critique
Posted by: old_dan |
Hey John, nice pictures. I did stumble over the line
As I sit here, sipping coffee
From a paper cup.
It doesn't seem to flow as nicely as the other verses. I think it's because of where the accent falls. Or perhaps the explosive p. My suggestion:
As I sit here, slowly sipping
Coffee from a cup
not the best but hopefully you get the idea.
Also you could shorten the chorus by a word or two
Ashley's a place I need to go.
Ashley's a place I need to be.
There I find time to travel slow
There I can find serenity
course you lose the double rhyme.
But I really like the feel of the lyrics and the way they make me feel. Used to live in San Diego and would watch the sailboats in the harbour. Ashley on the Bay gives me the same peaceful feeling.
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Subject: Re:Ashley On The Bay - Please Critique
Posted by: Jt |
Hi Dan,
Thanks for the read, and the comments. I have music for this, so the first verse thing does work. But your comments on the chorus were well taken. I forced the first line for the sake of the double rhyme in the third. Neither works really well. In fact, the whole chorus need a major rewrite (replacement). Thanks for reenforcing that thought in my head (its easy to get lazy, and let things go.)
Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment. I haven't been too prolific lately, but am working on that. Its spring, and the sap is running..... 
Take care, and thanks again.
John
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Subject: Re:Ashley On The Bay - Please Critique
Posted by: chad |
Hey John,
very nice images here. Ashley might be a place I need to go to as well. Care to expand on geography? Symbolism?
I too tripped on the paper cup meter wise. But, if you've got music - no sweat.
However, since it caught my attention it made me realize that that and the word coffee are a bit 'real' compared to the rest of the verses.
Might there be a way to make the connection between the fog lifting off the bay and the steam rising from a cup without ever mentioning coffee or the cup's composition?
Otherwise, it's a real nice trip.
Nice to see you.
chad
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Subject: Re:Ashley On The Bay - Please Critique
Posted by: Jt |
Hi Chad,
Thanks for the comments. Excellent suggestion on the steam/fog thing! I've incoporated it already, with a few other minor changes. Still think I need to work on the chorus....
Ashley On The Bay
John Hagius
Copyright 2002
The water's calm,
The sun comes up.
Steam rises, like the fog,
Above my coffee cup.
I Breathe its bracing fragrance
Lingerin', like a fresh bouquet,
On the morning air
Of Ashley on the Bay.
The turtle dove,
The whipperwill.
Two songbirds, singing softly,
On my windowsill.
Seeing God's creation sparkle
In a grand display...
Of new dayglow, lighting
Ashley on the Bay.
(chorus)
Ashley's a place I need to go to.
Ashley's a place I need to be.
There I find time to travel slow through
There I can find serenity
A leaf of Spring,
A grassy noll.
Soft wind whispering to me sweetly
Calms my troubled soul.
Silent clouds above me, rushing,
Far flung shapes of gray.
Toward horizons, over
Ashley on the bay.
(repeat chorus)
The still of dusk,
The evening star
As night gathers all around,
I look... and there you are.
Shining brighter than the moon
Perhaps this time you'll stay...
And tomorrow we'll share
Ashley on the Bay.
(repeat chorus)
Ashley is a beautiful place in Maryland, where the Susquehanna comes in to form the head of the Chesapeake Bay. Lots of people go there. Email me if you're interested in more information. (Note, my email addy has changed - you can find my new one under my profile here.)
Thanks again for the great suggestion. Always nice to see you on the board.
John
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Subject: Re:Ashley On The Bay - Please Critique
Posted by: chad |
John,
that's nice - it fits the mood of the song much better.
About the chorus.
Seems like you could be less straight-forward.
Perhaps something like 'Ashley's a place.... Ashley's a place....Her reflection soothes....Her (shore, pools..."
something that takes the focus off you and places it on her (though I know IT's a place - let the chorus stand alone as if it could be a person as well).
Just a thought.
chad
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Subject: Re:Ashley On The Bay - Please Critique
Posted by: Jt |
Howdy Chad,
I've taken another shot at the chorus - tried to leave it a bit more open for interpretation. And modified the last verse slightly to support it. Does this work any better?
Thanks again for your ideas. Have you been doing any writing lately? I know the job and family are keeping you swamped. Looking forward to hearing one from you soon.
John
Ashley On The Bay
John Hagius
Copyright 2002
The water's calm,
The sun comes up.
Steam rises, like the fog,
Above my coffee cup.
I breathe its bracing fragrance
Lingerin', like a fresh bouquet,
On the morning air
Of Ashley on the Bay.
The turtle dove,
The whipperwill.
Two songbirds, singing softly,
On my windowsill.
Seeing God's creation sparkle
In a grand display...
Of new dayglow, lighting
Ashley on the Bay.
(chorus)
Ashley is more than just a place.
She's somehow where I need to be.
Like a simple chance embrace,
She's a point, in time and space,
Where I can find serenity.
A leaf of Spring,
A grassy noll.
Soft wind whispering to me sweetly
Calms my troubled soul.
Silent clouds above me, rushing,
Far flung shapes of gray.
Toward horizons, over
Ashley on the bay.
(repeat chorus)
The still of dusk,
The evening star
As night gathers all around,
I look... and there you are.
Shining brighter than the moon
Perhaps this time you'll stay...
And tomorrow I'll know
Ashley on the Bay.
(repeat chorus)
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Subject: Re:Ashley On The Bay - Please Critique
Posted by: chad |
John,
I think it works much better - of course you know how I like leaving room for interpretation.
I'm not sure 'simple chance embrace' evokes the feeling you're looking for (even though I know what you're getting at - with the changes and all with the last verse).
It's getting there.
Me, I really haven't written much at all for the past 6 months -(maybe a year - wow). that I've committed to paper or shared with anyone. Yeah, extremely busy.
I do write SOMETHING almost every day though. I write in my head to and from work (25 minute commute). Sometimes it's something new. Sometimes I'm tweaking something old. I've learned to be patient and find it so interesting that the 'right' word will eventually come - years later. I figure I'll really be getting the hang of this just about the time I'm checking out.
Oh well. It's something you just do.
Yeah, I'll post the most recent one I'm tinkering with.
chad
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