Subject: Still Love Here
Posted by: bostonfan2 |
Hello all, new to the board, enjoying it very much...wrote this on a lake in minn....comments much appreciated..thanks!
Its not hard to tell from the look in your eye
the way your feeling now, comes as no surprise.
i wont give up on love, not so easily
its not just between you and me
chorus
dont try, and tell me that its over , dont say
words i dont want to hear
cant we , try and start it over
dont walk away , i know theres still love here.
have we been running so fast that life has passed us by
and now when we try and touch, all you can do is cry
i wont give up on love not so easily, its not just betwwen you and me.
repeat chorus
bridge
sacred words were spoken , promises not to be broken,
dont give up on you and me...
chorus
Ray Roehrborn |
Subject: Re:Still Love Here
Posted by: Jt |
Hi Ray,
I think you need to flesh this out a bit more. As is, we aren't really told what has gone wrong, or why the singer is so desperate to keep trying. Need some details.
I also found the line "Its not just between you and me" a bit confusing. Who else is involved? Kids, perhaps, but there's no hint of that.
The chorus may need some tighening, too. The rhymes are kindof weak (over/over and hear/here). It needs to be the central theme of the song, the idea that the verses support.
I like your bridge.
All just MHO. Hope this helps. |
Subject: Re:Still Love Here
Posted by: fud |
| lol, thats lame, what age are you? |
Subject: Re:Still Love Here
Posted by: Angus_Podgorny |
Hey Fud...
Try to show a little kindness, would ya?
This place is about "People helping people".
It's one thing to crack a joke once and a while (Or all the time). But it's a completely different thing to take a stab at someone. Especially when you're talking about something as personal as songwriting. |
Subject: Re:Still Love Here
Posted by: Gaby |
Hi Ray,
I had written a long response to this earlier only to find out I wasn't logged in!  So I'm starting from scratch.
May I suggest a rewrite building up from the line or idea:
"dont walk away , i know there's still love here."
You could develop your verses as a list of/about:
a) Each verse about different people and how their relationship/situation is bumming out. The list could be of lovers in one verse, a single parent and child in another, etc. this leads you to the chorus (wrap-up) which you'd need to flesh out and the bridge contrasting the verses to show there's still love; or
b) A relationship. The verses may be a progression, distant to intimate (eg. from a wedding ring you hide in your pocket to the place in you heart that still belongs to her), of situations that apply to this couple that are examples of how love seems to be gone. This leads to your chorus which says that "inspite of all these things love's still here"- a "through the good and lean years and the in between years" kind of thing that measures love.
When you rewrite (or write) try not to be too conscious about rhyming. Focus on the progression of ideas in the verses to chorus and bridge using metaphors to express those ideas (& making sure the metaphors are consistent; I'm sure the lake you were in is a good source to fish for ideas). When you are satisfied with the flow add the rhymes and meter. Keep writing and good luck.
Gaby
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Subject: Re:Still Love Here
Posted by: bostonfan2 |
| JT and gaby thank you for your thoughts and input you both have some very helpful ideas ! the line "its just between you and me" was meant to be a little thought provoking. i thought how often does a marriage break up only involve only 2 people ? not to often , whether its another romance or just the kids there is always more to it. i guess by leaving it open i was being all inclusive...lol......but it may make it more interesting to provide more detail , maybe then it wont be so lame....LOL.......Ray
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