Subject: Something Awfully Big" (rewrite) - please critique
Posted by: Shannon |
Hey guys,
I'd hope to get some honest feedback on this one. Thanks in advance!
SOMETHING AWFULLY BIG
Shanon Shah (C) 2001
Verse 1:
So, now then, what's next?
I've got this big degree
So this is happiness
- A suit and tie for me
Can I please confess
That I'm afraid of what will be?
'Cause...
Chorus:
This is something awfully big
I can hear the seconds tick
No one seems to know
The turmoil in my soul
This is something awfully big
Verse 2:
I could join the race
Like any corporate rat
Gnaw right through the maze
Make money and grow fat
But I need some space
'Cause I don't know if I'd like that
Chorus:
This is something awfully big
I can hear the seconds tick
No one seems to know
The turmoil in my soul
This is something awfully big
Bridge:
I can't explain my longings
But this was not my dream
Getting a job that pays me big
But leaves me feeling filthy
Verse 3:
But, boy, do we love money
Sure, I could just say yes
Have a job that feels dirty
But stuffs me full of cash
So why do I still feel
Like I'm settling for so much less?
Chorus:
This is something awfully big
I can hear the seconds tick
No one seems to know
The turmoil in my soul
This is something awfully big
Tag:
No one seems to know
The chaos of my soul
This is something awfully big
This is something awfully big
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Subject: Re: Something Awfully Big" (rewrite) - please crit
Posted by: Liana (Guest) |
hi Shanon, quick re-write, looking good :)
But leaves me feeling filthy - empty might be a bit tamer if he's in a suit and tie
I still have one nit..aren't I a pain..
This is something awfully big...a line to explain..tell it...perhaps in the last line of the chorus....a time bomb waiting to explode..??
it needs a stronger relationship with a word like big IMO. You seem to relate it to the chaos..but IMHO it needs something more..not sure but its so so close..great work perhaps someone else can shed some light.
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Subject: Re: Something Awfully Big" (rewrite) - please crit
Posted by: Shannon |
Liana, people like you were BORN to post on boards like this! Thanks for giving me so much to think about! I get what you mean, now that I've re-read the lyric. I don't have a solution as yet, but like you say, I'm gonna see what other people have to say. Thanks again!
Cheers
Shanon
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