Subject: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (Suite)
Posted by: Steve_Biederman |
This is a long one. I've been working on and off on this "story" song for many moons. It is actually a suite with changing moods and music as the story is told, in the end reverting back to the first "movement". The plan has always been for this to be performed live as part of a one man musical I'm working on. At any rate, although I've sworn to myself not to post lyrics ever again without the music, I've got to make an exception for this piece. I need to see how the overall story works from a purely lyrical perspective before moving on to the musical arranging phase for recording as it is more than a three minute pop song. As always, mucho thankos in advance to any and all taking time and effort to read and/or comment. It is most appreciated.
Little Stevie B.
THE POET INSIDE OF HER (suite)
©2002 Steven M, Biederman
all rights reserved
V1
Where do you run when you’ve run out of space?
How low must you fall to have fallen from grace?
And whose day is it when it’s not your day anyway?
Says she still writes though there’s nothing to say
Says she just hates when words fail her that way
Says she sometimes feels like a bit part actor in some amateur’s play
Chorus
But the poet inside of her urges her on
The poet inside of her gives her the songs
Word pictures conjured as if from thin air
For the poet inside of her…
Is constantly there
V2
In a ‘53 Chevy, her daddy’s old car
She’d sit in the back seat with her first guitar
Strumming out rhythms, pretending that she was a star
In heat or in cold she’d compose her new songs
Romances mostly, where love had gone wrong
And her pretend fans knew her words and they’d all sing along
Chorus
With the poet inside of her urging her on
The poet inside of her breathing the songs
Baring her soul till she’d break down in tears
For the poet inside of her…
Knows nothing of fear
Bridge
Years came and went as they do in real life
High school and college, then mother and wife
Dreams become hobbies, then fade into daydreaming stares
Sing with the choir at church every week
Sing to the children till they fall asleep
Sing doing housework to deaden her day to day cares
La luh lah, luh lah…..luh lah, luh lah…la luh lah, luh lah--luh lahhhhh…..ahh
French toast for breakfast, majority rules
Chauffeuring kids to their friend’s after school
On the way home she pulls off of the road and its there…
…A ’53 Chevy… Belair
(tune change/fast tempo)
Verse
Sir I don’t want to be an imposition
But that’s quite the car you got there
Just like my dad’s when I was but a young girl
Same model…green Belair
Would you mind if I sat in the back seat?
I know it’s crazy, but let me explain
This brings back so many memories
My god, it even smells the same!
Chorus(new portion)
Whoa-O, this could be heaven
Feels like I’ve gone back in time
Whoa-O, I feel just like a kid again
When it seemed like all the world was mine
And I’d sit here all night sometimes
And dream of mountains I would climb
(Slow back to original tune but softly)
V3
Where do you run when you’ve run out of space?
How low must you fall to have fallen from grace?
And where are the dreams that lie buried for dead in your past?
In a ’53 Chevy, like Daddy’s old car
She sits in the back seat and stares at the stars
Closes her eyes for an instant and she’s taken back…
Chorus
Back to a world where she knows she can’t stay
What fool returns home when she’s running away?
She knows its been said that you can’t go back home
But the poet inside of her…
Won’t leave her alone
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Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (Suite)
Posted by: old_dan |
Hey Steve,
I think I'd change
La luh lah, luh lah.....luh lah, luh lah...la luh lah, luh lah--luh lahhhhh.....ahh
to
La la luh luh, lah luh.....luh lah, luh lah...la luh lah, luh lah--luh lahhhhh.....ahhhhh
just kiddin ;D
Seriously, I like the concept. Good story, one that a lot of us older folks can relate to. The first line is great. The next two feel a little clunky, not up to the first lines standard. The idea is good, just need a little Pledge.
The chorus(s) are first rate too. I like the way the verses give the day to day details and the chorus tell (as Paul Harvey would say) the rest of the story. The last chorus sums everything up well.
On the down side some of the lines feel a little off. I think you can improve the flow and I think the song is worth it. |
Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (Suite)
Posted by: Jt |
Hi Steve,
This is an ambitious project! I like what you've done with it so far. I probably got carried away with the suggestions in the lyric below - but they're just my thoughts, so feel free to use or discard them. The structure of the last lines of the verses seemed a bit loose to me, so I played around a bit there. With your music it probably works, so just ignore those changes.
THE POET INSIDE OF HER (suite)
©2002 Steven M, Biederman
all rights reserved
V1
Where do you run when you’ve run out of space?
How low must you fall when you've fallen from grace?
I don't really understand how she's "fallen from grace"
And whose day is it when it’s not your day anyway?
This line seems like it would be a mouthful to sing, with all those "ay" sounds... and the line is kinda clunky.
She still writes though it seems that there’s nothing to say
And she hates it when her words just fail her that way
Says she feels like an actor in some amateur’s play
Hmmm. Ok, the rhyme scheme seems like AABBBB - though its almost AAAAAA. I'm not sure that you want to open up with such similar sounds.
Chorus
But the poet inside of her urges her on
The poet inside of her gives her the songs
Word pictures conjured as if from thin air
For the poet inside of her…
Is still there
Very nice opening chorus!
V2
In a ‘53 Chevy, her daddy’s old car
She’d sit in the back seat with her first guitar
Strumming out rhythms, as though she was a star
In heat or in cold she’d compose her new songs
Romances mostly, where love had gone wrong
And pretend that her fans knew her words all along.
Rhyme scheme is now AAABBB - I think this is more effective than your opening scheme.
Chorus
With the poet inside of her urging her on
The poet inside of her breathing the songs
Baring her soul till she’d break down in tears
For the poet inside of her…
Knows no fear
Again, nice job on the chorus.
Bridge
Years came and went as they do in real life
High school and college... mother and wife
Dreams become daydreams, then fade into stares
She sings with the choir at church every week
And sings to the children as they fall asleep
Sings doing housework to deaden her cares
Rhyme scheme is now AABCCB - again, very effective, but I think you should settle on one consistent scheme.
La luh lah, luh lah…..luh lah, luh lah…la luh lah, luh lah--luh lahhhhh…..ahh
French toast for breakfast, majority rules
Chauffeuring kids to their friend’s after school
On the way home she pulls off of the road and its there…
…A ’53 Chevy… Belair
(tune change/fast tempo)
Verse
Sir I don’t want to be an imposition
But that’s quite the car you got there
Just like my dad’s when I was but a young girl
Same model…green Belair
Would you mind if I sat in the back seat?
I know it’s crazy, but let me explain
This brings back so many memories
My god, it even smells the same!
Chorus(new portion)
Whoa-O, this could be heaven
Feels like I’ve gone back in time
Whoa-O, I feel just like a kid again
When it seemed like all the world was mine
And I’d sit here all night sometimes
And dream of mountains I would climb
(Slow back to original tune but softly)
V3
Where do you run when you’ve run out of space?
How low must you fall to have fallen from grace?
And where are the dreams buried far in your past?
In a ’53 Chevy, like Daddy’s old car
She sits in the back seat and stares at the stars
Closes her eyes for and she’s taken back…
Question... she's just dropped her kids off after school. That implies daylight, not stars...
Chorus
Back to a world where she knows she can’t stay
What fool returns home when she’s running away?
She knows its been said that you can’t go back home
But the poet inside of her…
Won’t leave her alone
Could be I'm dense, but this ending wasn't clear to me. Did she run away from her family? (Ugh!) Or did she return like a responsible mom, and just keep the poet alive? I think you need to nail the ending, and tie the story together.
Forgive me if I diddled too much here. I really like the idea. Good luck with it Steve. I can't wait to hear the music. I always enjoy your stuff.
John
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Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (Suite)
Posted by: Steve_Biederman |
Thankee Dan and Jt. I'm working on the recording this weekend and will have it up somewhere to hear as soon as possible. I feel confident that most of the suggestions I've been given here and elsewhere on this one will disappear on hearing it in context with the music and vocal phrasing. A couple of folks have suggested giving the ending more resolve but I wanted to leave it open ended. Long ago my wife made a comment at the end of a movie we were watching that it was a terrible ending. I asked why cause I thought it was great. She said "well, they never said if they got married." I said that's why its a great ending. It gives you a reason to dwell on it long after the movie is over cause you keep coming back to it in your mind questioning did they or didn't they. Anyhow, as mentioned, this is also part of a bigger project and is meant to be open ended. Actually, it is not really that open. She does come to a realization at the end nostolgically. But I'll let you come to your own conclusion of what that entails, ha ha. One of the reasons I hate to post lyrics without the context of music and vocal phrasing has been stressed to me vividly by posting this one on the three sites where I've displayed it. A lot of condensing of a word here or there that normally would be very appropriate if it was written with no music in mind and open to an outside musical collaborator to fit music to it. This one had the music and first few lines come together at the same time and eliminating a word here or there, on hearing it in performance, leaves noticable blank beats and stresses. That isn't to say that I don't appreciate the suggestions folks have given, however. And I have changed a few words do to suggestions recieved since originally posting this. I thought they were in here but I must have pasted an earlier draft. Thanks much for taking the time to read, comptemplate and comment fellas. I really do appreciate it.
Steve |
Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (Suite)
Posted by: Steve_Biederman |
Oh, Jt, I forgot. Your question about the falling from grace bit: Thats just an expression of her mental state as expressed within herself. She feels that she has fallen from grace in a way because she never really had the courage to pursue her lifelong dream with the appropriate gusto that would have at least let her know if she really had what it takes or not. All this is, of course, very vaguely implied. Someone else had a problem with the Old Chevy being in the song. Didn't see it as having any relevance. Whether it does or not for a particular listener or not it does for Little Stevie B. Because the "she" in the song is actually "I". Oh what the heck. I've heard you shouldn't have to explain the meaning behind a song but here tis for anyone who might care. I'll just paste it here from a reply to someone who said on another site that she saw a lot of me in this song.
Ria: Actually, this is VERY autobiographical. I originally had a guy as the subject, then thought it better to make her a lady to distance myself a bit from it.
When I was a young kid, all the way through high school, I would sit in the back of my Dad's '53 Chevy with my guitar. That's where I learned to play initially and that's where I started composing songs and music. Way back there in the late 60s to mid 70s. I was really shy about letting anyone hear me playing and especially singing. In the winter I'd have to come inside and run warm water over my hands to thaw them out several times during my long night time sessions. In the summer, I'd almost suffocate in the heat and humidity. The latter parts of the song are more recent metaphors of my musical side. About a mile from my house, a guy has a green '53 Chevy Belair parked in the driveway, just like my Dad's was. I've often thought about summoning the courage to pull in and ask him if I could just sit for a few moments in the back seat. Haven't followed through yet but I did partially exorcise that demon through this song.
Anyway, thats where this whole idea had it's genesis. Does it work? So far I've had several people say change this or that and others who even bothered to email me personally said don't change a word or punctuation mark. We shall see what they all think when they hear the finished product I guess. Thanks again for the help, buddy.
Steve |
Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (Suite)
Posted by: Hobes |
STEVIE B!!!!!
Yah mon! I think this one works pretty well as is. In a magnum opus kinda way. 
Why I remember way back when that there band "Chicago" did big ol' suites on their albums. "Make Me Smile" has always been a fave of mine. In fact, I think Chicago II is the only album of theirs I have on CD! Need to get CTA and some 10CC while I'm at it. 10CC's suite "One night in Paris" is a killer too.
If this is the whole thing, then you might want to consider breaking it up in such a way that snippets could be made into separate songs.
Wouldn't change a thing.
Good to see you back in action boyo!
hobes |
Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (Suite)
Posted by: Hobes |
Forgot to mention the open ended ending.  Songs and literature tend to tell the full tale. But life don't work that way. If you leave the ending unresolved, you're following in the footsteps of great authors like William Faulkner.
Life keeps going on
hobes |
Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (Suite)
Posted by: RobertK |
I usually hold off on saying anything until I hear the music, and this seems like an exciting mix of Harry Chapin and Queen (knowing your musical tastes!).
My only suggestion at this point is not to have her ask a stranger to sit in his car, but make a scenario more along the lines of her feeling particularly weighed down by the hum-drum life one day, and taking a different route home perhaps after dropping off the kids, and then suddenly seeing that particular year/color/model car in a junkyard or abandoned lot or even a small used car lot of sorts, and stopping alongside the road to let all the memories flood back.
Whether she actually goes and sits in the car may or may not be important, but it rids the current scene of the discomforting need to explain oneself to a stranger, or the all-too-convenient situation of suddenly coming across one on the road (and then with a driver in it, upon whose good graces she'd be at the mercy of - let's face it, most would be too embarassed to ask, especially spot of the moment - you yourself mentioned how you've been trying to screw up the courage to ask a neighbor).
Having it in a junk yard or on a lot would rid the scene of that stretch of credibility. |
Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (Suite)
Posted by: Steve_Biederman |
Thanks for the suggestions Robert. Sorry I didn't get respond to this sooner but I just got back in town from a six day Kentucky trip. My mom has had a series of small strokes over the past three years or so, each one leaving her in a deeper realm of dementia much like an alzheimer patient. Three weeks ago she had another one while going downstairs and fell headfirst, fracturing her C-1 vertebra and leaving her badly bruised up. Fortunately, her spinal injury was a Jefferson fracture, which is the best case senario for that type of thing. She could go about her life as usual only having to wear a cervical coller for three months. I called her Sunday and she couldn't talk well on the phone and I couldn't understand much of what she said. I mentioned to my brother, who had moved in with her, that I thought she might have had another stroke and he had been thinking the same. He said she was displaying some of the same tell-tale signs he had begun to pick up on before she had previous episodes and he and his wife were watching her closely. Tuesday morning around 2:30am she had a major stroke and I had to make an emergency trip back home (my second in two weeks).
She passed away Wednesday night with two of my brothers and myself at her side and slipped very quickly and comfortably out of this world. Well, crap. I don't know why I went into all of that here but that's been the life of Little Stevie B. the last few weeks.
As for THE POET INSIDE OF HER, I've made several revisions since I posted this. One of the things I've been struggling with is the issue of how to make the transition of her dropping off the kids (or any other normal day activity) and happening upon the old chevy. I never considered that anyone would take it that she would get in the car with a stranger who was in the process of driving the car so your heads up in that respect gives me more to ponder. I tried in one version directly eluding to the car being parked in someone's driveway, which is what is intended. The trick is in getting all necessary information the listener needs for full understanding included without without being TOO wordy/specific and treating the listener as if he/she were an idiot who needed to be spoonfed. I've also played around with the middle part both musically and storywise (the part where she is approaching the owner of the vehicle). In the end this might end up as nothing more than a bit of self therapy in song for myself and nothing more. But at any rate, you and I were already on the same page so your observations are quite relevant and helpful. So......mucho thankos once again.
Stevo |
Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (Suite)
Posted by: Kevin |
| I like this a lot Steve. Very nice imaging going on in my head. I wish I could make some positive suggestions but I think I might mess it up. I wanna hear this one first. I think it is great as is! |
Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (Suite)
Posted by: Steve_Biederman |
Thanks a bunch Kevin. I've got the first part recorded(up to the musical and story transition where she's talking to the car's owner and having the nostalgia experience). We'll see how it goes when I get it finished.
Steve
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