Subject: Please critique: "Saturday"
Posted by: Bud Tower |
"Saturday"
© Copyright. All rights reserved.
Bud Tower & Buck Provosty
Love to wake up Saturday mornin’,
Springtime when the weather’s warmin’,
Ride my bike down to the levee,
Watch the river, rollin’ by me,
Freighters bound for foreign lands,
Glide by floatin’ pelicans,
I feel free and I feel fine,
Feel a part of God’s grand design,
If I could paint like Claude Monet,
(pause) I’d paint a Saturday,
A Saturday.
Love to wake up Saturday mornin’,
Summertime when the bees are swarmin’,
Pack the car and hit the highway,
Find me a swimming hole bayou byway,
Fish hawks diving down on me,
Spanish moss in an old Oak tree,
I feel free and I feel fine,
Feel a part of God’s grand design,
If I could write like Hemingway,
(pause) I’d paint a Saturday,
A Saturday.
Love to wake up Saturday mornin’,
In the fall when the frost is formin’,
Take a run through City Park,
Past the Dueling Oak so dark,
Some say ghosts still haunt the place,
Run a little faster just in case.
I feel free and I feel fine,
Feel a part of God’s grand design,
If I could sing like Marvin Gaye,
(pause) I’d paint a Saturday,
A Saturday.
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Subject: Re: Please critique: "Saturday"
Posted by: Ron Boyte |
I like this very much also. The only problem I have is the conjoining of the last lines with Hemingway, a writer and Gaye a singer. You then go to "paint". Just a tad of an annoyance to an otherwise beautiful piece of writing, imo. Seems a fix could be found easy enough.
Ron
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Subject: Re: Please critique: "Saturday"
Posted by: Curtis Cameron |
Personally I didn't see much to nit here.
A couple of things though.
I imagine you have music so these changes may or may not work. I think they work a better lyrically though.
I might suggest
If I could paint like Claude Monet,
(pause) I’d paint MYSELF a Saturday,
A Saturday.
If I could write like Hemingway,
(pause) I’d WRITE MYSELF a Saturday,
A Saturday.
If I could sing like Marvin Gaye,
(pause) I’d SING ABOUT A Saturday,
A Saturday.
Nice Job Bud and Buck,
Curtis
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Subject: Re: Please critique: "Saturday"
Posted by: DanGray |
Bud, this is just a fine lyric. I love the notion of Saturday through the seasons. Cat Stevens is callin'!
Good luck, and let us hear it when it's done.
Dan
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Subject: Re: Please critique: "Saturday"
Posted by: James B. Mitchell |
I like! I like! Nothing at all at the nitpicky level to say -- it flows so smoothly, it's just a pleasure to read.
Ok.. one little thing, "Dueling Oak so dark"... to me, this use of "so" leaves a sentence hanging and weakens the phrase. I don't have a suggested fix, but I'd like to see the "so" go away. :^)
I'm curious about why you chose to mix metaphors by having the singer and the writer "paint" the Saturday. That's the only thing that brings me up short a little on the conceptual side.
I got a clear picture of the scenes and really enjoyed the word flow. There's a casual ease to the words that fits the topic very well. The song has a friendly intimacy to it that seems like it would go over well in a live setting.
Thanks for the post.
-- James
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Subject: Re: Please critique: "Saturday"
Posted by: Bud Tower |
Hi:
Collectively, y'all have highlighted most of what
I considered to be the problem areas in this
lyric. These will be attended to upon rewrite.
We have music for this, in fact, my collaborator
on this project, Buck Provosty wrote the tune
and a version of the first verse 20 years ago
(when he was 15), but never finsihed it. I
heard it a band practise last Sunday, and just
had to finish the lyric.
When we get a clean recording, I will make it
available. (Dan, I'd love to hear you sing
it--you'll really dig the music.)
Happy SUNDAY to all,
Bud
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Subject: Re: Please critique: "Saturday"
Posted by: DanG |
Send me the mp3 and a dummy track... I'd be happy to lay it down for ya.
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Subject: Re: Please critique: "Saturday"
Posted by: Jt |
Hi Bud!
Sorry to get in late on this one. But I really did like it. I can imagine the music you have in mind - a "bayou byway" sort of tune (I loved that line!)
I do have to agree that the Hemmingway and Marvin Gaye, mixed with the painting metaphor, didn't quite set right with me - your call, but I'd try to match them up kinda like Curtis suggested.
Also, I'd like to see one more verse - you guys do have Winter down there, don't ya?
Great work - and I look forward to hearing this from you or Dan! Take care.
John
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Subject: Re: Please critique: "Saturday"
Posted by: Bud Tower |
Hi John:
Interesting you would comment on the Winter
verse. We played this song out at a gig last
night for the first time and the bartenders
(really cute girls) came over after the set and
commented how much they liked the song,
but asked how come we didn't have a winter
verse!!
While we have winter in NOLA, it's sort of a
joke compared to what you guys call winter.
So, I am thinking about turning that into a sort
of musical joke in the lyric in the form of a
bridge, rather than a full verse which I fear
would make the song too long and a little sing
songy and monotonous.
Marvin Gaye does have to go. I agree, he's out
of his element with Monet and Hemingway.
Would you feel better with Claude
Debussey??
Nice to hear from you.
Peace,
Bud
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Subject: Re: Please critique: "Saturday"
Posted by: John Hagius |
Bud,
I think your idea of turning Winter (or any one of the seasons) into a bridge is brilliant! It would break up the song and force you to do something different musically.
And, even though you don't have real winter down there, I think the song would be better (more universal) if you included all 4 seasons - not just a joking reference to winter - (unless you just want to perform it down south)
I really did enjoy this lyric. My comment about Marvin Gaye was on how he fit into the song... as a singer.... or a "painter". I like the juxtaposition of the different arts with the seasons.
I really like where your taking this song - and I'm sure the audience does too. Can't wait to heare it.
I wish I could see your bartenders... guess I'll just have to get the courage up to play out one of these days
Jt
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Subject: Re: Please critique: "Saturday"
Posted by: chadg |
Oh how I have missed being here!
Great thread regarding a great lyric - I'm torn over exactly how to go about fixing or even if it needs it (though I'd follow the Marvin consensus).
Just found the board again - I'm gonna try to get this computer outfitted with the software (I'm at work) so that I can listen to some of the music posted on here.
Bud, I haven't written much in the last few months - but I did write something with you in mind. I'll post if I can figure this out.
take care,
chad
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