Subject: please critique
Posted by: Gunslinger26 |
"Smoke And Mirrors"
verse1
I walked into school
With a shiner today.
When everyone asked
I told them it was from play.
chorus
I couldn't tell them
The truth that I hide
I couldn't reveal
The pain deep inside
verse 2
That everytime he's mad
Or perturbed
From my broken dreams,
I am disturbed.
verse3
I'm lucky it was his hand
And not a closed fist
That struck my face
Which pain has kissed
verse4
This isn't unusual
Its happened before
I feel so unwanted
Like a browned apple's core
verse5
Now as I step on the bus
To head back
I begin to wonder
Whether my body will crack
verse6
Its dark outside
A starry night
I can hear him yelling for me
I cower in fright.
verse7
I hope God keeps me safe
And holds me deep within
Because if He finds me
I might not see you again. |
Subject: Re: please critique
Posted by: beren3001 |
| gosh its about as depressing as mine. i dont know why but i seem to have a thing for depressing songs lol. |
Subject: Re: please critique
Posted by: RobertK |
I won't go into every painstaking detail, but the main question one must ask is "Who is the intended singer?"
I think it's a hard sell to make a singer want to adopt the persona of such a victim (and Lord knows, haven't we all heard enough abuse songs already, done by professionals?)
The other significant problem from a songwriting standpoint is stilted and/or improbably expression, e.g., I feel so unwanted like a browned apple's core", "my body will crack", "From my broken dreams I am disturbed", and "which pain has kissed", all there obviously (and painfully) to catch the rhyme rather than a reflection of what someone might actually say, or even think, in the "real world". |
Subject: Re: please critique
Posted by: tom taylor |
I too agree that a song that makes you feel so low is uncomfortable to listen to, but every time I see someone write
(it seem those lyrics were used just because they fit or
rhymed) makes me think of the song "jerimiah was a bull frog he was a good friend of mine" these lyrics took this song to number 1 and has never made any sense to me at all. I believe it matters very little if you use a lyric now and then just because it fits,rhymes or what ever. tom t.
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