Subject: "I Don't Believe You" - please critique
Posted by: Shannon |
Hi guys
I wish I had happier songs to write. Well, sometimes you just gotta get things off your chest. This is personal, but I was wondering if it could work. Any comments/suggestions/criticisms greatly appreciated. Thanks!
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU
Music & Lyrics: Shanon Shah © 2001
Genre: Pop/rock
Verse 1:
You say you'll give all your support to me
And I can be anything I want to be
You'll take it back
Every single word
You'll take it back
Build 1:
Yes, I'm very sure
I've heard it all before
Chorus:
You say that you're in pain
If I'm unhappy
You're only happy
When I'm happy
But don't you think it's strange?
You're only happy
If I'm happy
When you're happy -
With all due respect
I don't believe you
Verse 2:
You say we'll talk 'cause you wanna hear from me
And we'll decide on everything amicably
You'll pull your tricks
Every single time
You'll pull your tricks
Build 2:
You say your only wish
Is for my happiness
Chorus:
You say that you're in pain
If I'm unhappy
You're only happy
When I'm happy
But don't you think it's strange?
You're only happy
If I'm happy
When you're happy -
With all due respect
I don't believe you
Bridge:
I don't believe a single word
I'm saving myself from being hurt
'Cause you never see
How much you hurt me
You never see it as betrayal
Chorus:
You say that you're in pain
If I'm unhappy
You're only happy
When I'm happy
But don't you think it's strange?
You're only happy
If I'm happy
When you're happy -
With all due respect
I don't believe you
Tag:
Don't you think it's strange?
You're only happy
If I'm happy
When you're happy
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Subject: Re:
Posted by: pafaustine |
Hi Shanon,
OK, first things first. One 'n' or two? I prefer Shanon with one 'n' cuz that makes it easier to remember that you're a guy. 
As for the song... I like this except for the chorus. I can make sense out of the chorus when reading (slowly), but I don't think it's gonna work when sung. Just too darn (the robo-censor doesn't allow 'd**mn') many happys.
Of course you could play that up even more, but unless you're trying for a campy sound, I don't think it will work.
Just my opinion, of course! |
Subject: Re: "I Don't Believe You" - please critique
Posted by: Ron_Boyte |
Hi Shanon,
"I Don't Believe You" good title/fair hook
This story imo lacks the spark with words
to excite me. I never am able to grasp exactly what is going on within the story that you are
telling. Ome moment you're telling of a love one who has attempted to support you/the singer but who has a way of taking things back.
Your build tells us why she will because
she's done this before
But then your chorus centers on the happiness of the two individuals which throws another kink in the story. I've always been told the chorus should reiterate what the verses are saying, not to start or tell another story. To me there is no cohesion between the chorus and the verses.
V2 deals with needing to talk. The word "amicably"
is a hard word to pronounce for some. I would think it may also be hard to sing. You speak of her "pulling her tricks" but you never provide us with information in regard to what her tricks are.
Build 2 finally speaks again of "happiness" that your chorus is centered on imo.
With the bridge you again failed to add a spark to this lyric, to give it a life so to speak. You're saying things that we already know or suspect. You did introduce yet another element that should have been disclosed in the verses "betrayal"
Shanon, one thing I have learned to do, as of late is to read all my verses, once completed together. I do this without the benefit of reading the chorus, bridge, ect. If they make sense, I know I am on the right track.
Hey, I'm just another moron with a mouse, so don't take anything I've said too seriously! Ha! Others probably will see it totally differently.
Best to you!
Ron |
Subject: Re: "I Don't Believe You" - please critique
Posted by: Liana |
Hi Shannon with 2 n's....I shall not change it..tisk tisk!
I have the story...if I am wrong BITE ME...you were together, she left, she's being a cow but saying she wants you to be friends. Now the element that is perhaps missing for others to link this...what binds you together, you have kids that you need to see each other about? you have not finalised financial matters in a divorce...I am left to ponder, or is the plain truth..you Wont LEt GO...whatever the scenario..it is not explained in such a simple lyric but with the use of the right word here and there, it could be..explain these and put them in somewhere appropriate
1st verse...When you left me, your last words were?
When I left it was because of ? you said..you would support me....."you'll take it back"...I DONt Trust you!!!because?...you left me?????you cheated?
2nd verse
You're being nice because you want half the house?
I dont believe you want to be amicable..even when you say it a hundred times "you'll pull a trick" because you lied before? you've got another plan? or I DONT TRUST you
Bridge:Im not going to believe you because YOU are a liar? so instead Im going to stop myself from being hurt!!!! just in case you want to hurt me..cause you already have...Dont you remember???
betrayal came from???? Not loving you because you loved her? not wanting to be satisfied? She is a selfish liar who plays tricks???
chorus: I want you to be happy then I can be happy...because you'll leave me alone!!! or maybe there's another trick coming..we all tell people we want them to be happy when we really hate them dont we?
I dont mean to PULL IT ALL APART..but this is a very everyday situation you try to get people to associate with..but you will find they will pick a side..very contraversial even when written simply or as abstract as one can.. I really think you should re-write this..I have seen your writing and I know what you can come up with..I WANT TO SEE the NEXT stage...PLEASE...:)
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