Subject: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (rewrite)
Posted by: Steve_Biederman |
For those who are familiar with this one, I decided based on the advise of RobertK and similar concerns which I myself had, to do away with the middle section of the song which and take it in a bit of a different direction. It is therefore mucho condensed time-wise. A few other minor lyrical changes were made as well.
THE POET INSIDE OF HER
©2002 Steven M, Biederman
all rights reserved
V1
Where do you run when you’ve run out of space?
How far must you fall to have fallen from grace?
And whose day is it when it’s not your day anyway?
Says she still writes though there’s nothing to say
Says she just hates when words fail her that way
Says sometimes she feels like a bit part actor in some amateur play
Chorus
But the poet inside of her urges her on
The poet inside of her gives her the songs
Word pictures conjured as if from thin air
For the poet inside of her…
Is constantly there
V2
In a ‘53 Chevy, her daddy’s old car
She’d sit in the back seat with her first guitar
Strumming out rhythms, pretending that she was a star
In a fantasy world she’d perform her own songs
Romances mostly, where love had gone wrong
And her make-believe fans knew her words and they’d all sing along
Chorus
With the poet inside of her urging her on
The poet inside of her breathing the songs
Baring her soul till she’d break down in tears
For the poet inside of her…
Knows nothing of fear
Bridge
Years came and went as they do in real life
High school and college, then mother and wife
Dreams become hobbies, then fade into daydreaming stares
Sing with the choir at church every week
Sing to the children till they fall asleep
Sing doing housework to deaden her day to day cares
Interlude
La luh lah, luh lah…..luh lah, luh lah…la luh lah, luh lah--luh lahhhhh…..ahh
Jog every evening to chase stress away
Take a new route for monotony’s sake
There, in a field, long abandoned, an answer to prayer
…A ’53 Chevy…Belair
V3
Where do you run when you’ve run out of space?
How far must you fall to have fallen from grace?
And where are the dreams that lie buried for dead in your past?
In a ’53 Chevy, like Daddy’s old car
She sits in the back seat and stares at the stars
Closes her eyes for an instant and she’s taken back…
Chorus
Back to a world where she knows she can’t stay
What fool returns home when she’s running away?
She knows its been said that you can’t go back home
But the poet inside of her…
Won’t leave her alone
Tag
The poet inside of her…
Won’t leave… her…alone
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Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (rewrite)
Posted by: Liana |
Hi there, long time no visit...I think its very very long...like the story in it...can relate!! but not to the chevy...more to the guitar sitting in dust in the corner..my dad had an EH Holden  anyway, I would love to here the music your thinking of, Keep on keeping on |
Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (rewrite)
Posted by: Gunstreet |
Hey Steve,
Very nice rewrite. This is so much better. It's more straightforward and powerful. There is nothing wrong with this that I can see. I do have a couple of extremely minor suggestions:
<i>And her make-believe fans knew her words and they’d all sing along</i>
change to:
<i>And her make-believe fans knew EVERY word and they’d all sing along</i>
and:
<i>There, in a field, long abandoned, an answer to prayer</i>
change to:
<i>There, in a field, long abandoned, an ANSWERED prayer</i>
Other than that, it's excellent. Very nice work.
Hope it helps!
Gunstreet
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Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (rewrite)
Posted by: Steve_Biederman |
Thanks Liana and Gunstreet. I may end up doing the long and shorter versions and see which works best. I'll have to revamp the middle portion to fit in with the change of storyline in the last part of the bridge.
Liana, it's good to hear from you again. I hope you make a speedy recovery. Apparently I wasn't around at the time you reported concerning your condition. Sounds like it was pretty serious. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Can't wait to hear you singing again. Since you didn't care for the Chevy part, I'll explain. It may seem a bit far fetched to bring the car into the story as opposed to a guitar or something gathering dust in the corner but this started out as a bit of personal therapy. The main focus of the story is actually autobiographical as far as the protagonist questioning his/her path taken in correllation to the "dream". I wanted to write the song in third person to distance myself somewhat and did that to a further degree by changing the main character to a female. The questions that open the song were basically mine. The bit about the '53 Chevy in the second verse was all me as well. That was my childhood with music, sitting in the back seat of my dad's green '53 Chevy Belair learning to play guitar, compose tunes and write lyrics for them. I was too shy to let anyone hear me play and sing so I'd sit in the car at night and play. In the summer it was suffocatingly hot with the windows rolled up and in the winter I'd have to periodically come in and thaw my hands out in a sink full of warm water so I could go back out and play some more. Did this for probably eight years or so. I recently found where a guy had one just like my dad's parked in his drive and actually thought about asking if I could just sit in it for a few minutes as a bit of nostalgia. Never got the courage to ask though. Anyway, that is why the Chevy being in there is so important to the song. This is one that is strictly for myself whether anyone else ever hears it or not. It is really not that terribly long in the shorter version as far as story songs go. The original version was longer with more musical changes in order to be a suite of music as opposed to a three minute pop song. It was also meant to be part of a one man musical I'm writing. Hope that clears things up for you as far as the Chevy is concerned. If I take it out there's no point in my writing the song to begin with.
Steve |
Subject: Re: THE POET INSIDE OF HER (rewrite)
Posted by: RobertK |
Story much tighter, much righter 
Depending upon how muscially compelling the chorus is, you might even want to start the song out immediately with the chorus - I think the material suits it.
Two lyrical nits to pick:
Jog every evening to chase stress away
Take a new route for monotony’s sake
There, in a field, long abandoned, an answer to prayer
…A ’53 Chevy…Belair
Not really for monotony's sake, but to break the monotony; and she wasn't really praying to see the car or to relive things by sitting in it, it just happened.
What's she's praying for is more immediate, and that's to create something of merit that the world (or her targeted portion of it) will admire; presumably, recapturing that feeling of her youth will play a big part in the possible achievement of this goal.
Also, the field itself isn't long abandoned, though it sounds that way now. And the "chase stress" is a formidable tongue twister for a singer, probably coming out sounding like "chaisetress".
Maybe something along the lines of (not necessarily verbatim to below, and you'll have to match metre to your music, though I tried to make it close to the current syllable count)...
She jogs every evening, for sanity's sake...
This time a new route, just for a break...
Something in a field overgrown draws her near...
An abandoned Belair... same color... same year...
(or Chevy, since Belair hasn't been mentioned yet - maybe that's a problem, mentioning 'Belair' only at this time in the song? Perhaps the model needn't be mentioned at all, since it calls attention to itself, "Belair", and is otherwise of no symbolic importance as far as the model name goes?)
I think some symbolism wouldn't be too heavy for this mini-epic, and I like the image of an abandoned car, nearly overgrown with weeds (much like her youthful dreams/feelings?), suddenly appearing.
I'm truly looking forward to hearing the music.
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