Subject: Changes and Choices
Posted by: old_dan |
It's a little simple just like the author.
Changes and Choices
v1
When the day has departed and the sea claims the sun,
when evening has started to shadow and run
the colors of day, into black and gray,
there is someone with whom I will stay.
v2
When winter comes freezing with a cold icy wind.
She'll be there believing springtime will send
the sweetest perfume, from a flowers bloom.
Can winters cold then penetrate our room.
chorus
There are changes and choices we all must go thru,
but I find things easier now that I've found you.
If I lose my voice, it will be by my choice.
For you are true, all else is noise.
(repeat v1)
No bridge, no tag. You think it needs them? |
Subject: Re: Changes and Choices
Posted by: distantsun |
Dan,
To be fair I think it needs a bridge.
I can quite imagine this as a summery, whistful tune and although it need not act as a traditional bridge ie) complete the story/ take it further. It does need something in the middle of or before an instrumental.
It need not even make sense, Just stands there to keep the listeners ears burning!
What genre are you aiming for anyway?
Regards
Ash |
Subject: Re: Changes and Choices
Posted by: Liana |
Hi there, I agree with distantsun it needs a little extra on the end.. 
"Can winters cold then penetrate our room....this line stands out on its own...it seems more a question.....
"If I lose my voice, it will be by my choice"....maybe If I change my voice (meaning opinion)..this then follows the change and choice focus
"For you are true, all else is noise".suggestion... I change with the old, for you are always true...new...whatever...noise just seems to stop short IMHO
very pretty piece, love the first verse, has alot of character
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Subject: Re: Changes and Choices
Posted by: old_dan |
Yes, I think you're right. I'm thinking an instrumental break after the chorus, a bridge then finish with verse 1 (I like that verse  ).
Quote:
Can winters cold then penetrate our room....this line stands out on its own...it seems more a question.....
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Not sure what you mean Liana. It is supposed to be a question. One of those questions you already know the answer to. Like when my wife says, 'Are we going out to eat?".
The genre? I was thinking maybe punk metal. Either that or lite rock.
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Subject: Re: Changes and Choices
Posted by: Jt |
Hi Dan,
I like this one!
I have a bit of a problem with the last two lines of the chorus, though. The inner rhymes seem kinda forced, and the "noise" image didn't quite make it with me - though it is a neat near rhyme when sung :-)
I agree that a musical bridge would be good. Also, you might want to wrap up the imagery with an added verse about the morning - sung before or after repeating (maybe with a slight alteration) the first verse. Something along the lines of...
When morning comes stealin', and I find you there
Asleep on my pillow, the sun in your hair
I am so grateful you've chosen to stay
Here by my side, to share the new day
Just a thought - and probably not a very good one at that :-)
Anyway, I look forward to hearing this one!
John
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