Subject: need help on second verse
Posted by: xigaa |
I think I've hit a wall on the lyrics of this song. The arrangement is the best I've done in my short career as a basement musician, so writing the right lyrics has me intimidated.
Simple Minded
© Troubled Raven Productions
--v1--
Soldiers of fortune
never come back;
take it in stride now,
learn to relax.
Never forget
our apologies;
trade in your childhood
for maniacal means.
And through this disease
we will ask you to be . . .
-- c --
Simple minded again;
Reminding me of the time
I tried not to cry.
Simple minded again;
Take it all for our welfare
and live with the fright.
-- v2 --
-- c2 --
(chorus repeats)
-----------------------------
This is a song for veterans of war. I'm just looking for inspiration on completing the song. The second verse should expand on the first, and maybe pay direct tribute to veterans in some way. I'm not really sure where to go at this point, but I'm stuck for some reason. After listening to the music over and over, I'm stumped. Something will come in time, but maybe someone has some tips on finding inspiaration when you're a little stuck. Thanks.
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Subject: Re: need help on second verse
Posted by: jamesbmitchell |
It may be that the first verse needs some re-vamping to lead you into the second verse more naturally. My first impression is that the point of view is very confused in the first verse and chorus. Maybe you need to decide your point of view first and work from there.
For example, the first two lines seem to be talking about "they", next two about "you", next two about "us", next two are difficult to understand for me, then the climb is about "you", then the chorus is first about "I" and then about "you".
I'd try picking the point of view and holding tightly to who the singer is (or is representing). It's not really clear at this point, at least to me.
As for gaining inspiration, I often find that I can get past a "stuck" point by writing down ALL the possible things I might want to say in the song, then selecting a few potentials and fleshing them out into verses to see how they fly.
Hope that helps!
- James |
Subject: Re: need help on second verse
Posted by: jazzraptor |
I like the first line, and the theme of the song could certainly be powerful.
"Simple-minded" to me, means "stupid". I don't think that's what you're going for; but frankly I'm not sure.
I would start by simplifying the chorus. Then try writing out the story that you want to tell in long hand. When you have a compelling story, see if you can tell it in 2 or 3 verses.
Finally, this sort of song would probably accommodate a bridge, which can often be "the point" or "the moral" of the song.
Good luck!
-- Jack |
Subject: Re: need help on second verse
Posted by: xigaa |
Thanks for the tips. Pending any glitches, the song should be posted at the following site in a couple days:
http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/305/troubled_raven_productions.html
There's still room for progress in this song, and I'd like to add a second verse and possibly a bridge where I could perhaps give meaning to the use of "simple minded". My thought was that in war there are experiences I couldn't possibly imagine coping with, and oftentimes people are expected to come back and just merge into society after warfare. Simple minded, to me, is just existing without really knowing what happens out there, without knowing what it's like to have blood on your hands. This is not meant to condemn the act of war, but to try and understand what war can do to someone.
I met an old homeless man in Anchorage who suffered from mustard gas exposure. The toxins and the actions of brutal WWII combat left him terrified that he could and would hurt people. He hid out in the woods because he was afraid of himself, because after killing so brutally he wasn't sure he could just stop. I hope no one thinks I have any disrespect for vets, because it's what keeps us safe -- as ugly as it may be.
Thanks again, and let me know what you think. Hopefully the song will be up in a week or so.
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