Subject: song: Carbon 14
Posted by: Mr.HumanSoul |
copies from carbon
of water of mud,
decay and dirt
and rusty blood.
monkey of earth
made from modified dirt,
spun by the one
in a billion year blur
product of proteins
of water and waste
still a million ways
left to set the stage
monkey of mud,
of flesh and blood
and egos evolved
from phobias
i want to open wide
into the open night sky
watch a few photons
hit my eye
they have traveled far
from the dawn of time
from the other side
carving pictures in my mind
slowly presssed down
ground into the ground
in an ocean of dust
both of us drown
but we have traveled far
around and around
becoming earth, wind, and water
carbon and fire. |
Subject: Re: song: Carbon 14
Posted by: Some guy |
Interesting. The firest two verses are cool. And the last one is really neat too. The inbetween verses tho are kinda unfocused. I'd like to see the first two verses followed by the last lines
slowly presssed down
ground into the ground
in an ocean of dust
both of us drown
but we have traveled far
around and around
becoming earth, wind, and water
carbon and fire.
As a chorus for a start. Then flesh it out, give it some meat.
I like your writing style, but ya gotta keep it up. |
Subject: Re: song: Carbon 14
Posted by: Mr.HumanSoul |
thank you for the input! your idea on switching the lines is definitly a very good idea. it really does fit better. something i would never have thought of.
i find it impossible to objectivly read (or listen too) what i write,i suppose it must require a particular state of mind to seperate oneself from what they create, so an "outsiders" opinion is greatly valued! thanks.
|
|
